Posted by AzBlueMeanie:
Glenn Beck is the messianic (lately he claims God speaks through him) cult leader of old white people who watch FAUX News. Beck is promising a new Great Awakening aka the "Beckoning," and promises "a miracle" today on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. (The "miracle" is that Beck got this many rubes to believe this crap.)
Where have I seen this before? That's right! This is the classic South Park episode Super Best Friends that originally aired on July 4, 2001.
David Blaine comes to South Park and impresses the town's residents, including Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny, with his street magic. The boys join "Blaintology," a cult in hopes of learning about magic. Stan is disturbed by the cult and soon leaves; Kyle refuses to join him. Stan looks for help from South Park's own resident messiah, Jesus.
Jesus realizes he needs help and calls the Super Best Friends, a group of major religious figures including Buddha, Moses, Joseph Smith, Krishna, Lao Tzu, Muhammad and Sea Man (which the other characters mockingly pronounce as "Semen") who defend the world against evil (except for Buddha who doesn't really believe in evil).
The Blaintologists, meanwhile, petition the government for tax-exempt status, which would make them a real religion and therefore unstoppable. But when they are denied, all the Blaintologists are told they are to commit mass suicide in Washington, D.C. Kyle realizes now that the cult is evil, but when he tries to convince Cartman that they should flee, Cartman tells on him and Kyle is imprisoned in a glass bubble and told he will be killed at the mass suicide. When word about the mass suicide reaches the Super Best Friends, they consult Moses for advice.
In D.C., the Blaintologists begin to drown themselves in the Reflecting Pool (even though it is only about a foot deep), and Cartman puts a hose in Kyle's glass bubble to fill it with water to kill him. The Super Best Friends arrive, but Blaine brings to life the statue of Abraham Lincoln to fight them.
To defeat the Abraham Lincoln statue, the Super Best Friends create a giant animated John Wilkes Booth statue, and it shoots Blaine's puppet in the head. The resulting fall of the Lincoln statue shatters Kyle's prison (which the statue had picked up and shaken, believing it to be a snow globe) and the reflecting pool is frozen using Joseph Smith's ice powers to prevent more suicides.
Blaine curses the Super Best Friends for ruining his plans and flies away in a rocket ship, and Stan announces to everyone that any religion that forces people to give up their money or control of their lives is really a cult. The Super Best Friends then fly away, to wait until the world needs their aid again.
How long do you think it will take the creators of South Park to rewrite this episode for the messianic cult of Glenn Beck? Maybe in the new version a reanimated Lincoln comes down the steps of the memorial to kick Glenn Beck's ass. As Cartman would say, "that'd be awesome!"
Be sure to lace up your red tennis shoes and drink the Kool-Aid before drowing yourselves in the Reflecting Pool.