Ciscomani Found in the Epstein Files: A Guide to Reading Satire

This is a public apology for my last piece about Ciscomani being arrested by ICE, as it was insensitive to those suffering from DGIS (Don’t Get It Syndrome).  To be clear, he was not arrested.  It was satire.  I am deeply sorry to have misled anyone.

This week’s article has thus been rewritten to include some simple instructions for reading future satires. 

First (and this is important for everyone!): it is very important to continue beyond a headline before reacting.  Whereas headlines, both in satire and legitimate news, are designed to capture the reader’s attention, the other words in the article are just as important, if not more so.  One can learn a great deal about an article by reading it.

Often in satire clear signs demonstrate that the article is not meant to be taken literally.  One indicator is the use of silly language.  In my last article, the second sentence contained the phrase: “vigorous ass-kissing”.  While I firmly believe Juan Ciscomani shamelessly panders to his donors and Donald Trump, I question whether he literally puts his lips on their asses.  That turn of phrase should have been a warning flag for the reader. 

In preparation for this article, I read absolutely every word of the New York Times since its first issue.  Never does the phrase “vigorous ass-kissing” appear in this respectable news source.

Satire often uses comic hyperbole to make a point.

 Once the reader has been drawn in by a dramatic headline, a satirist can utilize what Aristotle would refer to as a peripeteia, or “reversal”, taking the reader in a different direction than what the headline might have suggested.

Here’s how today’s originally planned satire was intended to work.  While Juan Ciscomani was discovered in the Epstein files (in the satire), the joke would have been that this did not refer to THE Epstein files dominating the headlines.  Rather, it would have referred to the files of Ciscomani’s dentist, a fictional character named Dr. Larry Epstein. 

I would have then described the dentist and come up with a comic explanation as to why Juan Ciscomani’s files had been misplaced.  Maybe they were seized by ICE while he was deported to Iraq and only found later.  Perhaps I could have discussed how often Juan Ciscomani visited Dr. Epstein.  He might need weekly dental cleanings to keep his shiny wide grin locked on his face, despite the fact that he causes such suffering to his consitituents and maintains a grueling schedule of vigorous ass-kissing. 

I might have had Ciscomani deny any relationship with Epstein,and then described ample evidence for their association.  Perhaps there would be a photo on the wall of the fictious office of them together.  Perhaps Ciscomani sent Dr. Epstein a signed birthday card.   All this would be a way to satirize Trump’s refusal to admit his connections with the notorious real Epstein.

A keen reader might be able to detect this parallel.

The goal would have been to emphasize the unfortunate truth that Ciscomani is very bad for Arizona.  This is common with satire: the author strives to highlight society’s ills via laughter. 

I hope this helped clear the air and will help all members of the DGIS community to read later satires without distress. 

For any of you who want to help those suffering from this serious affliction, please send cash donations directly to me and I’ll make sure to forward them on to the proper charities. 

I also have a bridge for sale if anyone is interested.