Juan Ciscoman was arrested yesterday as he returned from his monthly fundraising meeting of EWW (Evil Wealthy Whites). Eager to return to his bunker to wash out his mouth after a morning of vigorous ass-kissing, he was profiled by ICE and tailed.
What follows is a transcript put together from agents’ body cameras. The audio is poor due to the belabored breathing of the waddling agents.
JC: Hey, you can’t arrest me! I’m a US congressman!
ICE 1: Shut up! How many times do you think we’ll fall for that line! You’re going back to Somalia!
JC: But I’m Republican! I funded you guys!
ICE 2: Orders say government employees are domestic terrorists.
ICE 1: Where were you born, socialist asshole?
JC: Mexico, but I…
ICE 2: Never heard of it!
There is some confusion as the ICE officers laboriously look up Mexico on Google Maps. They cannot find it, as it had been changed the night before into MAGALAND. They argue amongst themselves for some time. Finally, they return to Juan.
ICE 1: Say something in Mexican, then!
JC: Mexicans speak Spanish!
There is more confusion as the ICE agents seek confirmation and Juan, with difficulty, tries to remember the language he once knew. He finally shouts out:
JC: Yo estas el Americano! Me llamo es Juan!
ICE 2: Shut up! This is ‘merica! Speak ‘merican! I knew you was Somalian!
The ICE agents throw Juan to the ground and zip-tie him. They then pull out a pepper shaker and grind some over his head. Then they strike him with it.
The vigorous pepper grinding brings one agent to cardiac arrest. The others, ignoring their comrade, draw their guns and start kicking Juan, shouting:
He tried to kill us!
After this the camera footage abruptly dissolves.
The Ciscomani team confirms that Congressman Ciscomani is unharmed and has been deported to Iraq. US officials are slowly arranging for his return.
Editor MDB: I can’t believe I have to keep making these stupid disclaimers: For the humor-impaired morons who can’t recognize satire when it’s throwing a pie in your face, yes, this is satirical and not a factual report. From now on, when you see Lippman’s by-line, stick your tongue in your cheek in honor of Μῶμος.
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Excellent satire!
I hope you meant this to be satire…or else someone else posted this.
“Based on available search results, Representative Juan Ciscomani has not been arrested by ICE. There are no reports supporting such a claim.” (Google search)
Also…”No, there is no information in the Snopes Archives about Representative Ciscomani being arrested by ICE” (Snopes)
Yeah, it’s tragic that the country has been so dumbed down by entities like Faux Noise and the rest of their ilk that a satire disclaimer has to be posted.