by David Safier
Everybody’s talking about how McCain can’t remember how many homes he has. He hunkered down with his advisors at the McCain Ranch, but the press doesn’t have inside access like me. Here’s the best they could do:
McCain, who huddled with advisors at his desert compound in Sedona, Ariz., said nothing in public. A nine-car motorcade took him to a nearby Starbucks early in the morning, where he ordered a large cappuccino. McCain otherwise avoided reporters.
But my sources inside the ranch present a more intimate view of the scene.
 God durn it, son, did you mix sheep dip in with this here coffee? P-tui! How come a feller can’t get hisself a decent cup o’ java in his own home? I tell ya, Mitt, I’m getting plumb tired of all this home talk.You only got 3 spreads yourself, so you can’t begin to understand how hard it is to keep all these places straight. This ranch, mah little condo-cienda in Phoenix, that cute little place by the beach that was so small Cindy had to go an’ buy another one, mah . . . ah know there’re more, I just can’t recollect all of ’em. If you get to be mah VP, Mitt, ah’ll give you one or two if you want ’em, but trust me, partner, they’re nothing but a pain in the neck. I wish I could be happy like all them rich-in-spirit poor folks instead o’ worryin’ about all this money Cindy has and all these dang blasted homes o’ hers. Them common folks can’t unnerstand how hard it is on folks like us with all this money to worry about. Say, Mitt, I just heard about this new cap-oo-cheena drink they got in town. They put milk and foam in your coffee, it’s s’posed to be a real humdinger. What say we go down there git me one. We’ll show ’em we’re regular folks just like they are. We’ll even travel real simple-like, only take nine of my best wagons. |
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