McCain Ranch: Repentance, Bargaining, Redemption

But I’m a soldier, Lord. Once I begin a campaign, I only know how to push on. I won’t take a step backward until the battle is won or lost. I swear to you, though, once this is over, I’ll apologize to the world just as I’m begging your forgiveness for what I have done and what I continue to do.

I must tell you, Lord, I experience a sweet, sorrowful pleasure every time I confess, but I can only do it after the damage is done. I betrayed my first wife who waited for me while I was a prisoner, but after I married Cindy, I told the world I was ashamed of what I did. Somehow, that made it all right. I was corrupt as hell along with the rest of the Keating 5, but I was the first to express remorse. And I said the Confederate Flag should fly in South Carolina during my first presidential run, then admitted I only said it to win the primary, so that restored my honor.

And I’ll apologize once this is over, win or lose, I swear. The people like it when I do that, they forgive me, it makes me look like an honest man.

Wait a minute, here’s an idea. What if I apologize, say, tomorrow, or next week, after we’ve torn Obama to shreds with our lies? I can say I’m sorry for running a negative campaign and promise I’ll be a straight talking, honest candidate from now on. “My friends, forgive me for all the unkind words I have said about . . .” “Forgive me, my friends,for all the . . .” “My friends, my campaign has said some things over the past weeks I regret. From this point forward, I promise to . . .”

My God, that’s brilliant! It just might just work! Tomorrow I’ll run it by ol’ Stevie Schmidt and Ricky Davis, let them find out what Karl thinks — Karl Rove, of course, not Karl Marx. Heh heh.

Damn, I feel better already. I’m back! The old John McCain’s back! This is the best I’ve felt since I got a chance to look Sarah up and down and choose her as my, ahem, running mate. Don’t get me wrong, Cindy, you’re still my main squeeze.

OK, you can stop looking at me with those holier-than-thou eyes now. I know you’re just a figment of my imagination. Too little sleep and all the stress of the campaign, that’s all it is. I never fell for all that fairy tale crap about a living God and sin and repentance when I was in Sunday School, and I’m too old to start now.

Listen, bub, I’ll catch you later, OK? I got some sleeping to do. See you in church, right? Heh heh.