Ambassadorial Suicide Initiative

Via: CommonDreams.org

STATE DEPARTMENT TELEGRAM – SECRET

TO: All Ambassadors

FROM: Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs — Karen Hughes

THROUGH: The White House — Mr. Karl Rove

SUBJECT: Ambassadorial
Suicide Initiative: Follow-up to Deputy Assistant Secretary of State
for Public Affairs Colleen Graffy’s New Initiative on Suicide as a Good
PR Move

REFERENCE: DAS Graffy interview with BBC, June, 2006

SUMMARY: You are instructed to commit suicide soonest. End Summary.

BACKGROUND

Because
of relentless jihadist propaganda, the respect of the world toward the
United States — that is, the number of Americans that will vote
Republican in the November Congressional elections — has diminished
immensely in recent months. Al Qaeda operatives, using venues ranging
from Mosques to the internet, have damaged the honor of our country
throughout the world — that is, Republicans’ electability among
American voters. The terrorists’ latest tactic has been for their
infiltrators to commit suicide in the U.S. government facility in
Guantanamo, Cuba, where they are housed, fed, and protected, in the
best Christian/American traditions, from the Geneva Conventions. So, in
order to win the struggle against violent extremism, we have no choice
but to use Bin Laden’s own methods, just as we did against the Soviets’
propaganda during the Cold War.

SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS

Your
suicide must be carefully planned. We strongly recommend the following
steps, reluctantly recognizing that local conditions may require minor
variations in these instructions. If you feel you must introduce
changes to these orders, please obtain the appropriate authorization
from the Department’s Special Task Force for Ambassadorial Suicide
(STFAS). Do not call (even through a secure line) or e-mail; send a
cable through official channels, as you survivors’ benefits may depend
on the extent to which you have followed the Department’s obligatory
recommendations. Do not, repeat do not, expect to outlive your suicide.
NOTE: Your funeral expenses will not be covered by the Department at
this time of budgetary constraints.

1.
On Monday 9:00 am sharp next week, you — American Ambassadors
worldwide — must meet with your Country Team (CT), the heads of
sections of the Embassy under your supervision: political, economic,
consular, administrative, public diplomacy. ALLOWED EXCEPTION: If a
Republican fund-raiser wishes to have breakfast with you, you are
permitted to delay your CT meeting.

2.
During the meeting, describe to the CT STFAS’s priorities in detail (a
document on these priorities is forthcoming in the diplomatic pouch and
might not reach you in time; but you must state what it says). Insist
that no leaks about the STFAS program are permitted, citing
presidential adviser Karl Rove as an example of how the illegal
dissemination of classified information can be prevented. Provide STFAS
initiative details as described below.

3.
Once you have made it clear to your staff why your ambassadorial
suicide is a must in the propaganda war, take steps for the
implementation of the program.

PROGRAM IMPLEMENTATION

1. After
the CT meeting, the Public Affairs (PA) Section of your Embassy should
immediately get in touch with all embassy contacts — in government,
NGOs, media, academe — and inform them that the American Ambassador is
going to commit suicide to show his undying support for U.S. principles
and values as incarnated by President George W. Bush. NOTE: The White
House will contact the American media directly about the STFAS
initiative.

2.
The site for this suicide should be where America is best known and
respected in local communities, such as McDonald’s or movie theaters
that show Hollywood blockbusters. Do not, repeat do not, implement
STFAS at a “cultural” venue (e.g., art gallery, concert hall), as this
could divert from the straight policy — that is, PR — message of your
initiative.

3.
The hour of your suicide on Tuesday next week — 8:30 AM — has been
chosen so your dying action will be covered live by many of the
early-morning news shows in the U.S. NOTE: Sponsors of these
infotorment programs will be funeral houses that contribute to the
campaigns of Republican congressional candidates.

4.
Method of suicide: While seated in a prominent area of your chosen
death venue and surrounded by media as well as by Embassy staff wearing
Bush/Cheney buttons and American flag pins, you should read out loud
President Bush’s speeches since he has been elected president. This
will cause your passing to occur in a time span ranging from 30 seconds
to one minute. No cyanide pill will be necessary. Embassy staff should
display utmost decorum — i.e., chew gum more rapidly — during your
last gasps. When you die, staff should leap up, clap and cheer loudly,
“Bush/Cheney forever, Bush/Cheney forever, Bush/Cheney forever.” NOTE:
This cheer can also be uttered in the host-country language through
interpreters, to assure widespread dissemination of our message.

5.
Your corpse will be removed by Embassy Marine Security Guards. It will
be flown to the United States on the very day of your last day on earth
by a U.S. Air Force jet. NOTE: Due to budgetary constraints, do not
expect that your coffin, once stateside, will be transported by a USG
vehicle to its final destination. That is the responsibility of your
immediate relatives and/or friends. If they elect not to pick up your
remains, your body will be disposed of in an appropriate manner. NOTE:
We are in communications with the FBI in how to use unclaimed
ambassadorial bodies for forensic research on the effects that the
president’s announcements on Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) have had
on the human brain.

ONWARD ASSIGNMENT

1.
For your next assignment, and as a reward for your loyalty and your
commitment to Bush ideals, you have a choice to represent the
administration in one of two extraterrestrial assignments: heaven
(non-hardship) or hell (hardship). Please inform personnel of your
decision through the Extrasensory Perception Channel (EPC).

2. We look forward to working with you in the future in our joint efforts to improve America’s image everywhere.   

3.  This message is sent under Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s signature.

##RICE

Drafted by: JBrown

John Brown is a former diplomat who compiles the Public Diplomacy Press Review, available free upon request at the site http://www.uscpublicdiplomacy.org/pdpr/ or by emailing johnhbrown30@hotmail.com.