Bill permits armed bears in national parks

Posted by AzBlueMeanie:

The credit card reform bill signed by President Obama on Friday contained a rider attached to it permitting armed bears in national parks and wildlife refuges.

OK. I guess I can understand that. I mean, hunting is not really a "sport" unless the bears are armed and can shoot back, right? It only seems fair, and it would make hunting a little more "sporting" now, wouldn't it? One question: why just bears?

Wait… the news desk has just been handed an update, give me a sec. Oh. I see. As Roseanne Roseannadanna might say, "never mind."

The credit card reform bill signed by President Obama on Friday contained a rider attached to it permitting PEOPLE to bear arms in national parks and wildlife refuges. Loaded. Concealed. Firearms.

Wait… are you f#@king kidding me? How is this any better? I would rather take my chances with armed bears!

That's just what we need is some twitchy Barney Fife type so afraid that some animal or snake is going to jump out and get him that he is going to start blasting away every time he hears a little rustling in the underbrush. It was just a lizard!

Then there are the campers who think a good time is sitting around the campfire and getting drunk or getting high — add a loaded weapon to the party, and what could possibly go wrong? A little misdirected target shooting at beer cans never killed anyone… oh, wait.

Then there are the vigilante Ranger Ricks worried about "illegal Mex-cans." God help you if you look Hispanic and you were just out wandering around in the bushes looking for a good place to pee. Having vigilante Ranger Rick pull a gun on you should help you decide that right here is a good place to pee.

This is just what we need, a bunch of armed and dangerous Nervous Nellies in the national parks. If you think the national park is so unsafe that you need to pack heat, why are you even going to the national park in the first place? Isn't that like looking for trouble? Stay home and enjoy the national parks and wildlife from the safety of your own living room by watching National Geographic, or the Travel Channel, or Animal Planet on your cable TV.

This reminds me of when I was younger back on the farm during deer hunting season. We would use day-glo orange spray paint to paint in big letters "COW" on the side of the cows so that some drunken dumbass wouldn't mistake one of our cows for a deer. And yet, every year you read in the papers about some cow getting shot during deer hunting season.

The National Park Service may want to adopt this idea and issue day-glo orange caps and body armor vests with "human" in big block letters written on them to everyone who enters a national park or wildlife refuge. Better yet, have the NRA pay for this gear, it's the least they could do to promote gun safety — isn't that what they are supposed to be all about?

Fortunately, the new regulations do not immediately go into effect. No guns in US parks until next year:

WASHINGTON — Not so fast, gun owners. A new law allowing loaded guns in national parks and wildlife refuges will not take effect until next year.

A spokeswoman for the Interior Department said that because the credit-card law won't take effect until nine months after it is signed, the gun measure also will be delayed.

Spokeswoman Kendra Barkoff said the Interior Department will follow Congress' directive and put the new firearms law into effect in late February 2010.

Until then, rules adopted under the Reagan administration will remain in place. The rules severely restrict guns in the national parks, generally requiring that guns be locked or stored in a glove compartment or trunk.

So get out and enjoy your national parks and wildlife refuges – while you still can.

NB: I had wanted to use one of my favorite The Far Side cartoons by Gary Larson, but he apparently has an army of lawyers who make damn certain that no web site will ever infringe on his copyrighted cartoons. h/t matthewjamestaylor.com for the artwork.