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Tucson Sentinel Holiday Shindig
December 11 @ 6:00 pm – 10:00 pm MST
by Carolyn Classen, blogger
Event by TucsonSentinel, Gene Moreland and 2 others
The Shanty
Public · Anyone on or off Facebook
“PLEASE JOIN US FOR A CELEBRATION of whatever it is you/we/they celebrate this time of year — especially the 233rd birthday of the Bill of Rights (Dec. 15), or the impending 15th (or is it 16th?!) birthday of the Tucson Sentinel (Jan. 22).
We’d like to get together with those who contribute their time, talents, money, comments and good wishes to our project to build a whole new way to provide local journalism, and thank you all for your continuing support.
Most years, we hold a Sentinel “holiday shindig” down at the Shanty, with a warm bar packed with a motley collection of reporters and left-wing political activists and Tea Party stalwarts, elected officials of all stripes, small business types, a few folks with gripes, normally shy bureaucrats that we journalists pester, and ordinary readers who want to learn a bit about more about what it is we do. And thus we’re doing so yet again.
6-10 pm (or later) ~ 7 pm toast
Mini-chimis & holiday treats on us; drinks on you
We look forward to seeing you, and raising a glass to the season and to our freedoms — especially a free press. And while you’re toasting, PLEASE HELP US KEEP YOUR LOCAL NONPROFIT INDEPENDENT NEWS SITE AROUND for another year, with your TAX-DEDUCTIBLE GIFT: https://www.tucsonsentinel.com/…/join-sentinel…/
And here’s an important section of this annual missive: When you donate anytime during December, YOUR GIFT to support local nonprofit news will be MATCHED, dollar-for-dollar, by the special NewsMatch program. Plus, with the generous backing of our Community Challenge Fund donors, your contribution can be TRIPLED!
This important initiative to strengthen selected nonprofit newsrooms is funded by a group of national foundations including the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation, Democracy Fund and others. This is a great opportunity to help us produce more of the strong accountability journalism you have come to expect from TucsonSentinel.com. So put Pierre Omidyar’s money to work here in Tucson, and help out your authentically local nonprofit news site!
(We’re still waiting on those Soros checks, so we’re pretty much relying on you at this point…)
Thus: PLEASE ACCEPT with no obligation – implied, implicit, inferred, contrived or obliquely winked – our qualified non-denominational BEST WISHES for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible and responsibly socially and physically distanced, properly masked and handily scrubbed, Zoom-meeting-freeze free, tredecuple-vaxxed, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the time period generally coinciding with the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable – if any – traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all… and a fiscally successful, Maslovianly fulfilling, personally safe and universally healthy, Gannett, Lee, Gatehouse and Alden Global Vampire Fossil Media-free and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2025, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the Western Hemisphere (Mexico is thinking of changing its name, but they’d only be dropping “United States,” which isn’t something (isn’t that something? — I just wanted to triple-down on the parentheticals here) that many have found all that confusing, unlike this Morlockian thicket of parenthetical asides) or that America ever stopped for a moment being great, not that it/we couldn’t be even greater if we wanted to be and put our shoulders to the wheel while picking up each other’s bootstraps, also, if your calendar only lasts another couple of days, you might want to pick up one of those promos from a tool company or something (do tool companies still put out calendars, or am I just showing my age? Come to think of it, with #MeToo and all, maybe skip that sort. No need to get HR involved. Does Hotel Congress still sell those groovy calendars? I think I saw some down there in the lobby. But that may have been back in 2017. Do calendars still exist or are we just caught in a forever repeating March 2020?), or maybe just use iCal. Google Calendar kinda sucks, doesn’t it? And who uses that godless creation Outlook for that stuff? Ugh. And have you seen Teams? Microsoft programs are just straight-up garbage. Our sincere condolences for the lost time and damaged brain cells of every corporate worker and government staffer forced to endure that trash. Use Zoom like a reasonable person, please. kthxbye.), and without regard to the gender, sexual preference or lack thereof, ability to attract or retain interest from a member and/or members of the gender you prefer, if any, race, creed, color, age, height, weight, visual acuity, batting average, choice of Pfizer, Moderna or J&J, which arm you got your shots in, poll standing with likely 2026 Rodney Glassman voters, desire to be appointed as State Mine Inspector or whatever other seat becomes open, or whatever political office takes your fancy enough to stomp your feet and whine on the Twitter machine that RNC attorneys aren’t calling you to help overturn the election and install you in your favorite desk, possession of legal documentation beyond an obviously faked Hawaiian birth certificate (or is that Canadian? Canadien, even?), whether you’ve tried to make your name sound less Spanish or given yourself a Mexican nickname despite being white AF (no standing on tables at this party, please, Beto), language spoken at home, employment status (but bring a couple of bucks for a beer, at least. Sheesh, it’s a party at a bar. And tip like a grownup, really — and hey, here’s another plug for you to support Tucson’s pioneering locally owned and operated independent nonprofit news organization: https://www.tucsonsentinel.com/…/join-sentinel…/. I mean, you’ve got a job, right? Help us keep ours.), marital status, javascript library preference, adherence to a particular php coding style, physical ability, religious faith, steadfast faith in a heretofore pathetic National League baseball team, whether you always drink beer or only do so when a boring old dude who’s just pretending to be Latino offers you one, experience in Linotype operation, views on the viability of Baja Arizona as a state, acceptance of the Torah, Gospels, Bhagavad Gita, Mishefa Res, Sharia, Shania or Shakira law or the lyrics of the Sidewinders’ “Witchdoctor” (We don’t call ’em the Sand Rubies ’round here, not just anymore, but ever) as the legitimate basis for civil and/or criminal legal procedures, or choice of computer platform of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms and agree to be bound by them in perpetuity, or until Kari Lake realizes that elections do indeed have consequences, Martha McSally posts a selfie without a dog in it, Sharon Bronson retires (wait, strike that bit, damnit), Justine slows her roll on the short way home, Abe Hamadeh stops taking costume tips from Paul Babeu, that Glassman guy shakes somebody’s hand without looking over their shoulder for somebody better to talk to (and just which election does he think he wants to lose next? He’s becoming as much a perennial candidate as Joe Sweeney or that former Green-cum-Libertarian who keeps spreading Holocaust denial), Regina Romero has a draft of a speech with just a single instance of the word “ALL” not in all-caps, Steve Bannon wears just one button-down shirt — and it’s been ironed sometime this decade, the good-faith estimate of how long it would take to accurately hand-count every ballot in an Arizona election (which scientists indicate they call “the heat death of the universe”), and that Orange guy sadly posting on Falsehood Social out some even more bizarre conspiracy fantasy about how he’s just the most put-upon soul in all of history and we should wipe his ass with the Constitution, and the Broadway widening project makes some real paving progress (really, just go with the “until the end of time,” then — and note we didn’t even conceive of the Broadway widening ever, ever, ever ending … seriously, this clause has been in this thing for more than a freaking decade now — long enough that there are about two businesses on that stretch that were there when they started ripping things up and still have their lights on. Anyway, the Rosemont Mine will probably get finished before that does. Wait, it’s done? What??? Nah, get out. That’s gotta be Woke Mob Mind Virus Critical Race Theory Fake News. Are they gonna start looking at planning to finish Grant sometime in the 2060s, now? That’ll be under RTA N3xtN3xtN3xt, right? Whatever, we’re leaving this in the fine print just because we can, and you’re still reading this. Really, but why, even? Please tell us if there are long-missed typos buried in this ever-expanding screed).
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal at any time for any reason whatsoever at the sole discretion of the wisher and/or his or her designee. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law (Snowflake, Saddlebrooke, Seligman, Colorado City, Florence, or any other place where the clocks stopped 57 years ago), and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual, reasonable application of good tidings for a period not to exceed one calendar year (sigh, back to that bit again) plus one-to-three days grace period, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, and said warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is not covered by Apple Care, HIPAA, HIPPA, HIPPO, diFilippo, ELO, REO Speedwagon or the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. If it were, the GOP would be about to have it tossed out, which would be a real War on Christmas, wouldn’t it? And why do Republicans hate Apple? If you wish to file a complaint about this wish, please do so in quadruplicate and hand it in at one of those fake “legislative hearings” that the Kalamazoo cowboy’s bonkers campaign put together, and get it done before Dec. 31, using a text message or via a Facebook chat or something that’s sure to get sent to congressional investigators. Don’t worry, they won’t tell anybody about it, or leak it to a reporter. If you want to find out who else has filed complaints, you’d better make a healthy contribution to the Tucson Sentinel legal fund (and remember, donating is more than a “construct” it’s a concrete act). Any litigation arising from the issuance or performance of these holiday greetings must be filed and heard in the High Court of the North Pole. Sadly, Santa has a mixed record on sunshine laws, the tubby bastard. We reserve the right to change any (and heck, all, if we’re feeling particularly Elon at any point) of these terms whenever and however we choose. If any portion of this wish shall be held unenforceable in a court of law, the remaining terms of this wish shall remain in force. Come to think of it, the bits about primary voters, computer platforms and baseball teams are already null and void, so there.
Be well, all. Stay safe and healthy, and keep your noses clean.
If you really like mini-chimichangas, and if you don’t you should probably move out of Tucson, come celebrate the holiday season with a few drinks, a bite to eat and lots of healthy conversation! We’ll see you at the The Shanty, 401 E. 9th St., on Wednesday, Dec. 11, starting around 6 p.m.”
— Natalie, Bianca, Jim, Paul, Blake, Gene, Ted, Josh, Xavier, Maria, Dylan and the rest of the Tucson Sentinel crew
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