This article is a satire! Not for the humor-impaired! Do not enter here without a sense of the ironic! Duh… I’ll say this again, yet more colorfully, at the end!-Ed. MDB
Juan Ciscoman was arrested yesterday as he returned from his monthly fundraising meeting of EWW (Evil Wealthy Whites). Eager to return to his bunker to wash out his mouth after a morning of vigorous ass-kissing, he was profiled by ICE and tailed.
What follows is a transcript put together from agents’ body cameras. The audio is poor due to the belabored breathing of the waddling agents.
JC: Hey, you can’t arrest me! I’m a US congressman!
ICE 1: Shut up! How many times do you think we’ll fall for that line! You’re going back to Somalia!
JC: But I’m Republican! I funded you guys!
ICE 2: Orders say government employees are domestic terrorists.
ICE 1: Where were you born, socialist asshole?
JC: Mexico, but I…
ICE 2: Never heard of it!
There is some confusion as the ICE officers laboriously look up Mexico on Google Maps. They cannot find it, as it had been changed the night before into MAGALAND. They argue amongst themselves for some time. Finally, they return to Juan.
ICE 1: Say something in Mexican, then!
JC: Mexicans speak Spanish!
There is more confusion as the ICE agents seek confirmation and Juan, with difficulty, tries to remember the language he once knew. He finally shouts out:
JC: Yo estas el Americano! Me llamo es Juan!
ICE 2: Shut up! This is ‘merica! Speak ‘merican! I knew you was Somalian!
The ICE agents throw Juan to the ground and zip-tie him. They then pull out a pepper shaker and grind some over his head. Then they strike him with it.
The vigorous pepper grinding brings one agent to cardiac arrest. The others, ignoring their comrade, draw their guns and start kicking Juan, shouting:
He tried to kill us!
After this the camera footage abruptly dissolves.
The Ciscomani team confirms that Congressman Ciscomani is unharmed and has been deported to Iraq. US officials are slowly arranging for his return.
Editor MDB: I can’t believe I have to keep making these stupid disclaimers: For the humor-impaired folks who can’t recognize satire when it’s throwing a pie in your face, yes, this is satirical and not a factual report. From now on, when you see Lippman’s by-line, stick your tongue in your cheek in honor of Μῶμος. He. Does. Satire. Mostly… you’ll know when it’s not, because it won’t be nearly as fucking funny!
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One of my UA professor husband’s white woman colleagues was stopped by Border Patrol and accused of traveling often to and from Mexico. She had only been driving from Tucson to her 2nd home in Sierra Vista, Az. The officers didn’t know where Sierra Vista was. They finally let her go after a long time in detainment. Sad.
Another professor colleague (white male) came back from Mexico visiting in-laws and was detained for hours at the border. He was questioned about what he was doing there.
@Wley –
On this one, we shouldn’t blame Faux News (we can, and should, blame them for many things, though).
Mental densness has always been a characteristic of a significant number of Americans.
Years ago, an English prof assigned us to read an essay written by H. L. Mencken on capital punishment. Afterward, he asked us if Mencken supported or opposed CP.
In the class of 20, 17 said he supported it; 3 (and I was one of 3) said he opposed it.
He may have expressed obvious support for CP, but he used words that portrayed the supporters of CP as cowards and their arguments as fearful.
The whole thing taught me one lesson – the effort needed to put subtlety, sarcasm, and satire into a piece of writing is a waste of effort.
The vast majority of people won’t get it.
So disclaimers are necessary.
Craig, I’m using Faux Noise as representative of the entire RW disinformation system. Have you seen Jordan Klepper interview Repugs at Repug events, giving them the skinny on the latest outrage de jour? Invariably they respond with whatever the RW media has spoon fed them.
@Wiley –
There’s little doubt that Faux News et. al. have taken advantage of mental denseness, and profited from it, but it’s a characteristic that predates them.
You’re right about that. Just look at the pre-Pearl Harbor fascists & their followers documented in Rachel Maddow’s Prequel.
Why. So. Serious? Folks? Common, EWW=Evil Wealthy Whites. Did that not give you a hint? Do I need to do a popup covering the post until you push a button agreeing that what you are about to see is SARCASTIC and SATIRE? Come on!
It’s a sign of the times when what would have passed as an outrageous The Onion article a scant 6 months ago would now be believed as a true news event.
Excellent satire!
Well, that’s the finest praise a satiracist could hope for in the entire state of Arizona, right there folks. David – our king of political humor – says this is, and I quote, “Excellent satire!” That pretty much ends the discussion for me.
I hope you meant this to be satire…or else someone else posted this.
“Based on available search results, Representative Juan Ciscomani has not been arrested by ICE. There are no reports supporting such a claim.” (Google search)
Also…”No, there is no information in the Snopes Archives about Representative Ciscomani being arrested by ICE” (Snopes)
Yeah, it’s tragic that the country has been so dumbed down by entities like Faux Noise and the rest of their ilk that a satire disclaimer has to be posted.
Yes, of course it is…