Nostromichael’s 2023 Predictions for Arizona

As we all ring in a New Year with too many firearms, too much alcohol, and too many cheap fireworks, we hope it will be superior to 2022, which we can all pretty much agree was no picnic. We also naturally wonder what might occur over the coming 365 days here in Arizona.

I’ve been scanning the heavens, making a lot of loose-leaf tea (which I give to my dog… BLECH!), watching the patterns of flocking birds (then shooting them down and studying their entrails), riffling the ancient tarot cards left to me by my physic neighbor Bunny (who oddly didn’t predict that stray meteorite…), and rolling my truly, magnificently giant Dungeons & Dragons 20-sided dice obsessively in order to divine the will of the Great Muckraker in the Sky for the coming year here in Arizona.

Here are a few of my more cogent predictions (and/or vain hopes) that I can share without – much – danger to your psychological health:

• Governor Katie Hobbs will scuttle the attempt by WIFA (Ducey’s Water Infrastructure Finance Authority) to waste $750m of the taxpayers’ $1b investment in new water sources on a desalination boondoggle down in Mexico that was rigged by Ducey’s cronies to profit them mightily: she will accomplish this by quietly urging Mexico’s jurisdictional government(s) to just refuse the project’s permitting. As an alternative to desalination, Hobbs directs those investments into the building and expanding of water reclamation facilities here in Arizona, where the investments will be of enormous benefit to actual Arizona citizens. She also will create a new rural agricultural boom by establishing grants to set up “moisture farms” based on the same business model that they used on Tatooine…

• Attorney General Kris Mayes will announce that Arizona will undertake NO prosecutions of women, medical personnel, or anyone else for seeking, performing, or having an abortion under any circumstances. The AZGOP caucuses of the Arizona House and Senate form a mob, march to 2005 Central, set up a gibbet, and start chanting “Abort Kris Mayes” before storming the building. Few make it out alive…

• Secretary of State Adrian Fontes announces that Initiative petitions can be signed through E-Qual, the same system that allows electronic signature of state candidates’ petitions (in addition to county, city, and precinct candidates thanks to former SecState Katie Hobbs). The Republican appointees to the Arizona Supreme Court form a very small mob, march on the 7th Floor chanting “Death to direct democracy!” Few make it out alive…

• Superintendent of Public Instruction Tom Horne is arrested after attempting a hit-and-run accident with a school bus full of children with his Chief-of-Staff (and mistress) in the car, outside an assignation hotel. Again (except for the school bus). Only this time there is a breathalyzer handy and he blows 0.65% – and is taken directly to the hospital to figure out if he’s actually still alive. Turns out, not so much… despite the fact he’s still walking around and yelling about ‘woke-ism’ and ‘CRT’ they can’t detect any brain activity. A special election is held to replace the walking and babbling corpse of Tom – corpses are not eligible to hold office – and voters having realized what a terrible mistake they’ve made re-elect Katthy Hoffman in a landslide.

• Treasurer Kimberly Yee, noting that she got the highest number of votes of any GOP candidate this cycle, announces at her swearing-in that she’s running for Krysten Sinema’s US Senate seat in 2024. She appoints Martin Quezada as her deputy to run the office, and starts her campaign with the slogan “Arizona doesn’t want a Diva in the Senate- we need a Princess!” Her old boss Arnold Schwartzenegger comes to Arizona to campaign for her, and her nomination rival Kari Lake complains that Yee has a ‘German provocateur and notorious donkey lover!’ working with her campaign. Sinema runs as an Independent, and Representative Ruben Gallego and his ex-wife Phoenix Mayor Kate Gallego (their Kindergarten parent-teacher conferences get really fraught at this point…), Tucson Mayor Regina Romero, and Representative Greg Stanton all compete for the Democratic nomination. We’ll have to wait for next year’s divinations to find out what happens…

• The AZ Corporation Commission votes 4-1 to ban solar energy in Arizona. They immediately start fining saguaros for photosynthesizing in order to “send a message” to all the other plants. Grown suspicious, intrepid local reporters from the AZMirror, Tucson Sentinel, and Copper Courier investigate (Nostromichael reminds you to subscribe and support your local print and online newspapers who are working every day to keep our citizens informed – AND YOU DO!) and soon discover that all four Republican Commissioners are actually houseplants that once resided in the offices of APS. Because plants are not eligible to serve in office, an immediate special election is called to replace them and Democrats will all four seats due to the ‘APS Houseplant Scandal’. Arizona quickly becomes the world leader in solar tech and power generation…

• Arizona House Majority Leader Ben Toma comes out in support of raising the AEL cap and several members of his caucus revolt. BlogForArizona’s Resident Republican Jester John Kavanagh demands a fistfight with Toma, and Toma, of course, stomps him flat. The GOP Caucus then votes to remove Toma as Majority Leader and Toma works with House Minority Leader Anrés Cano to form an alliance with House Dems and keep his position. He works with the very few real conservatives left in the House and the Democratic caucus to help pass landmark legislation in partnership with Governor Hobbs that makes Arizona one of the best states in the nation to live in.

• Election-denier & #AZFraudit proponent, Arizona Senator Warren Petersen becomes Arizona Senate President, but soon discovers some very flimsy ‘evidence’ that his own election was tainted by conspiracy delusions. He immediately resigns and calls for a new special election in which he must personally hand-count every ballot. He loses. An actual conservative Republican replaces him. The GOP Senate Caucus can’t settle on a candidate (there being 16 candidates, none of whom will vote for anyone but themselves…) so Senator David Gowan approaches Democratic Senate Leader Raquel Terán and a deal is struck to make him Senate President with the backing of the Democratic Senate Caucus and Senator Mesnard. Gowan works with the few real conservatives left in the Senate and with the Democratic caucus to help pass landmark legislation in partnership with Governor Hobbs that makes Arizona one of the best states in the nation to live in.

• Representative Juan Ciscomani’s handsome generic-Republican chrysalis bursts open and he emerges as a fully-adult instar of the species ‘Republican MAGAdoodlebug’. He flits about his district on his hypnotic red wings sweetly trumpeting mating calls like “Donald won!”, “Jan6 was an FBI op!”, “Abortions are just for hussies!”, and “Trans people are the greatest threat to America!”, and votes a MAGA party line in the US House. [See our Clairvoyant AI’s artist conception of Juan’s ultimate Pokemon form!] People soon realize that this is not the Juan they voted for. Professor Kirsten Engel announces her Congressional candidacy for a rematch in ’24. We’ll have to see what’s in the tea leaves of ’23…

• Representative Eli Crane, not content with his line of .50 cal Bullet Bottle Breachers, 30mm autocannon Bottle Breachers, and Freedom Frags (every word of this is simply actual facts!), Crane pioneers a new line he will call the Baby Bomb, which is an M2 mortar-based gender reveal tchotchke with white phosphorous rounds tinted with blue and pink. After several bridesmaids die of asphyxia and are burned down to bone shards in a reveal party accident, Crane is sued into bankruptcy and begins doing contract jobs in Soldier of Fortune magazine to make ends meet. After his arrest on multiple murder charges, Arizona Representative Wendy “Snake Eyes” Rogers announces she is going to primary him because he’s “not sociopathic enough for this district.” She quickly raises a $5m war chest by biting the heads off live bats on stage at her Trump-style rallies where actual ‘illegal aliens’ who have been kidnapped for the purpose are made to run the gauntlet through the rabid crowds. Awaiting further signs from the Great Muckraker in ’23 as to who might step forward to seek the CD2 Democratic nomination…

That’s all the Great Muckraker will allow me to reveal at this time. Except that you will surely have ill fortune if you don’t follow us on Twitter @BlogForArizona and follow us on Facebook! Have a Happy, Prosperous, and VERY VERY Blue New Year!