Pullen Your Leg

Randy Pullen, the Arizona State Chairman of the GOP, whom I dearly love and revere as a wise and powerful leader for the opposition party, recently published a very amusing opinion piece about what it means to him to be a Republican. I have taken the liberty of correcting (parenthetically) the many mistakes in Randy’s word choice and usage, not to mention the things he forgot to mention:

by Randy Pullen

My fellow Arizonans, my fellow Americans, (my fellow Republicans,) (my fellow fascist right-wing nutters,) I believe our state and
our nation stand today at a crossroads in history (at which the voters are going to turf us out of power here in Arizona). The rhetoric in the
media (and your truly) of recent years describes us as a politically divided nation,
almost equal in number of Republicans and Democrats (except with many, many more people self-identifying as supporting the Democrats), with our party
nominees (and in fact our parties themselves) (<— that’s Randy’s parenthetical there, not mine, FYI) competing for those few
undecided voters remaining in the middle (those ‘few’ being 74% of new voter registrations in Arizona since 2006 who selected party affiliation of Independent or none).

Today I reject that notion because two very important things have happened (and because I would like to distract everyone from the GOP’s record of utter failure and ruin in leading this country).

First, our next generation of Republican leadership from city halls
to court houses to state houses to the White House has largely united
in one voice behind our belief in both America and the American people (as opposed to our opponents, the damn Democrats, who don’t have to believe in America, because they actually have proof it exists… damned empiricists).
We have shown our faith (through faith-based governing) in the American dream for all (white males), and we are
putting forth real (ly bad), common-sense (actually they are just easy to explain, they really don’t make any sense) ideas on how to transform those dreams (nightmares are still dreams…)
into reality.

Though our Democrat(ic) opponents and many of our liberal friends (of Satan) in the
media often ballyhoo when Republicans disagree (and I, Randy Pullen, have grabbed the party chairmanship due to this effect), this much is true (well, truthy, anyhow):
today’s Republican Party has refocused itself as the party of (bad) ideas and
courage (of others, not our own.. Chickenhawks, remember?), and as the party of a bright future for (the really stinkin’ wealthy people of) Arizona and for
America (‘s stinking rich, too).

Here in Arizona, our leaders (that would be yours truly) have said with unwavering resolve that
it is no longer acceptable for our state’s brave veterans to suffer
under a system of neglect and incompetence (that we Republicans built by repeatedly cutting veterans’ benefits and failing to invest in stupid poor suckers who served our country in favor of tax cuts for the more deserving wealthy folks). We have not just exposed
the wrongs of our government (well, actually, that’s the Democratic Congress doing that, Republicans have had a more circumspect approach to government oversight – we don’t do it unless there is a Democrat in the Presidency) but are busy crafting solutions to protect
our veterans and honor their past service (we have a part-time volunteer staffer looking into it).

Our Republican leaders have identified the failings of our state’s
bureaucracy charged with protecting our most vulnerable children (and done our best to cut their budgets). We
have confronted an unwieldy and defensive bureaucracy and demanded
accountability and change – which now seems clear will come because of
the resolve of our Republican lawmakers here in Arizona (yeah, even I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about here).

We have, and continue to, reach out to (the right sort of) community leaders and
(big) business organizations (who can afford to sponsor nice junkets) to seek real-world (as opposed to our usual faith-based) ideas and innovative means (meaning no-bid contracts for our cronies)
with which to further spur Arizona’s (Richistani) economy to create new jobs (for peon wages), new
opportunities (for wealthy investors) and new futures for (stinking rich) families in every county and corner
of our state (but mainly Snottsdale). We confront head-on (in the tradition of the ostrich, by placing said head in the sand) the environmental challenges of
water (i.e., using more of it), effective land use (you know, for golf courses, malls, and tract homes for the hoi poloi), and responsible growth (and limits are not responsible, you know) to protect the
natural wonders of our state (so long as they don’t get all endangered on us and start making demands) and the quality of life of (just) our neighbors
and friends (who are the right sort of folks belonging to my country club, church, and Rotary Club).

And our Republican elected officials at the local and state level
are leaders in (privatizing) education, seeking to transform our schools to places of
true (profit, and even some) learning (if it doesn’t adversely affect the bottom line, and) where the hopes and dreams of (corporate contributors can come true, and incidentally some) children may be nurtured (if their parents can afford the tuition).
Arizona is a leader in (private) education innovation with charter schools,
performance testing, and tax credits (raking off public funding from public education into corporate coffers); all (purely) Republican ideas. Each step
we take for (private) education reform promises a brighter future not just for
(the educational corporations of) our state, but for (the profitability of) each individual child whom we are determined to
serve (for lunch to Mamon) as if he or she were our own (to dispose of as we see fit).

Our Republican leaders today do these things not simply because of
the jobs they have been elected to (according to Diebold’s Board of Directors), or the oaths of office they have
taken (to serve and protect George W. Bush and the Reverend Sun Yung Moon), but because (they love fucking over the little people and because) of the tremendous dedication they have for (abusing the power of) the
positions they have been elected to hold (as proxies for the ultra-wealthy who are themselves to busy schtuping super-models to bother with this dreck) and the commitment they share
to the (very important wealthy) people they serve. They are men and women with ideas (and an eye on their main chance) working
closely with doctors and teachers, parents and small businesspeople,
senior citizens, veterans, families and individuals from every walk of
life (to pull the wool over these regular folks’ eyes) in a great partnership (with the ultra-wealthy) toward a stronger (class system in) Arizona.

Second, I reject the equally divided notion put forth because of the
direction taken by today’s Democrat(ic) Party. Special interests and
15-second sound bytes now take precedent over governing (for us Republicans), where (the Democratic Party’s) politics
impedes (Republican) progress (toward a plutocratic state) at almost every turn (Republicans must do their best to muddy the waters for voters who should rationally decided to vote) for Democrats.

A recent Gallup Poll showed the Democrat majority in Congress has
now driven public confidence in Congress to an all-time low of just
14-percent (because they have refused to impeach a deeply unpopular criminal who inhabits the White House) – lower than before Republicans wrested Congress from the
Democrats in 1994 and lower than during the Watergate era (when they did the right thing and tossed a war criminal out of office). One would
have to go back to the Continental Congress in 1780 to find a lower
confidence level (or a more out-of-control Executive, i.e. King George).

Today, the Democrats in Congress have no charismatic president to
lead them off on quixotic journeys into misguided domestic policy (as opposed to our charismatic president who led us off on quixotic journeys into misguided foreign policy).
Today, they have achieved their 14-percent approval rating all by
themselves (by failing to stand up to Republican intransigence, criminality and corruption). Democrat(ic) House Speaker Nancy Pelosi proudly negotiates with
(the same nations as do Republican Congressional delegations which have been designated as) state-sponsors of terrorism (but we try to act like it makes her a terrorist because that sort of political smear is our stock in trade), placing in jeopardy (of having to talk to their enemies) not only Israel (our
closest democratic ally in the region) (<– his parenthetical, not mine), but undermining nearly single
handedly America’s diplomatic efforts (although how her visit does this I don’t understand, it’s just in the talking points I’ve been given) in the Middle East in our crusade
(God, I love pissing off the Muslims by using that word, and such attitudes have nothing to do with Republicans’ utter failure) to stamp our terror. Democrat(ic) Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
routinely declares that America has lost it’s war against terror in
Iraq (because he insists on operating in the reality-based universe), giving aid and comfort to the enemy (who in this case are Republican war-mongers who will use Reid’s simple truth as some sort of smear) while our brave men and women
in uniform fight (an endless, grinding civil war that is not their own, among people who constantly want to kill them, on an ever creeping mission with a never-ending deployment) to protect a fledgling democracy (er, I mean, theocracy) from brutal Islamic
fascists (I know they’re fascists because I have fascist radar, sort of like some folks have gaydar) and keep their reach from extending to America’s shores once
again (by attracting them to Iraq for training and combat experience in a lawless land which we don’t control, with unprotected borders and an refugee population in the millions from which to recruit new fanatics… wait, how does that fighting them there thing work again?).

The new Democrat(ic) Congress has already called for the largest tax
hike in American history (because Bush’s tax cuts were the largest in history and the vast majority went to our deserving wealthy clients, er, constituents), has broken it’s promise on ending the secrecy
behind the practice of spending billions of dollars on “earmarked”
pork-barrel projects (but that has nothing to do with the deep freeze of real secrecy that the Administration hides its dirty political laundry behind), is set to repeal the Bush tax cuts (that have
spurred strong economic growth (among mainly our wealthiest constituents and big government contractors) for six years) (<— again, original parenthetical his), have broken their
promise to address skyrocketing gas prices (because we filibustered it), and are set to introduce
massive new tax hikes that will reduce investment and cost thousands
upon thousands of jobs across America (if you believe Mr. Laffer, whom even Mr. Laffer doesn’t believe).

While Republicans have learned the lessons of mistakes made in the
majority (mainly, don’t get caught) (and, mind you, there were many, many victories and
achievements to be proud of, as well) (<– his), Democrats have reaffirmed their
allegiance to the Liberal Left (I wanted to say International Leftist Conspiracy, but my Communications Director wouldn’t let me…). Not only in matters of Iraq and the war
on terror, but in domestic and economic policy, as well. Those who
bought and paid for their campaigns and election efforts in 2006 are
being handsomely rewarded – only it isn’t (just) the American people (who will benefit of Democratic leadership), it’s the
liberal special interests, which will ultimately reap the benefits (though we’re still working on what their angle is… don’t these people believe in making a profit? What are they after? Good government?).

The Democrat(ic) leaders in Congress are banking their entire political
fortunes on the defeat of their own nation (much like we Republican banked on making our own nation a Banana Republic), and the Democrat candidates
for President have become pessimistic naysayers with poll-tested
scripts and no original ideas (as opposed to our gaggle of optimistic Pollyannas who wing it and have great new ideas like "privatize it," "cut taxes," and "stay the course"). Republicans, on the other hand, continue
to show why we are the party of (bad) ideas and (profitable) principles. We offer better
choices to a greater number of (very wealthy) voters – a majority of whom we believe
will find a home within our ranks (for a very low one-time membership fee of $1 million and a low, low monthly maintenance fee of only $5K a month).