Trump Wants to Brand the Dumpster He Set on Fire

Every time you think we’ve scraped the bottom of the absurdity barrel, Donald Trump shows up with a shovel. Now he wants to rename the Republican Party after himself, as if the last near-decade hasn’t been one long, unpaid internship in flattering his ego.

I say, let him. Seriously. Just accept the inevitable. The GOP hasn’t acted like a political party in years. It’s a loyalty club built on fear, merch drops, and the sacred belief that Dear Leader is (nearly) always right, especially when he’s so obviously not.

If Trump is renaming the GOP, I’d like to suggest some ideas he’d actually lean toward. Here are several Trump-flavored monikers. 

• The Trumpublicans 
• The Trump National Forever Party
• The Trumpian Empire of Infinite Grievance
• TrumpCo™ Nationalism Warehouse
• The Tremendously Tremendous Trump Team of Tremendousness

Now, between us? Here are some names that describe how the party actually behaves. No branding required. The dysfunction speaks for itself:

• The Quiet Piggy Sty
• Big Lots of Lies
• Dear Leader Daddy’s Fan Club
• The Clearance Rack of Democracy
• The Committee for Pretending to Read Indictments
• The Truth-Optional Tropical Terrorism Task Force 
• The Loyalty Over Literacy Alliance
• The Mar-a-Lago Remedial History Club

Trump’s a man who already dominates GOP candidates, messaging, and fundraising. He will never rest until the sign on the door has his name on it. This isn’t branding. It’s insecurity doing cosplay as power.

Serious political parties don’t hand out naming rights like minor-league stadiums. But the GOP hasn’t done “serious” in a long, long time.

It doesn’t really matter what you call the party anyway. It’s a discount autocracy with fascist tendencies propped up by grievance, fear, and the nonstop babysitting of one tremendously fragile man.

And the saddest part? Trump already controls everything they say and do, yet he still needs his name on the door like a lonely mall kiosk.

So, yeah. Go ahead. Rename the party. Make it official. Slap Trump’s name on it. Let him own the whole damn mess.