Today, we’re unveiling the New Ten Commandments, freshly updated with a twist of moral ambiguity. Crafted exclusively for 2024’s presumptive Republican presidential nominee and tacitly approved by the GOP, this Decalogue offers smooth sailing through the stormy seas of nationalist politics and faithful fervor.
Get ready for some divine guidance that’s as flexible as a Republican candidate’s stance on reproductive rights.
I. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me, but make an exception for the Orange One, because when a candidate is allegedly chosen by God as America’s Lord and Savior but his moral compass spins like a roulette wheel, he’s definitely a far-right influencer.
II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, however, if it’s emblazoned with your brand and glows like gold—think ultra-shiny sneakers—then it’s not only lit, it’s an epic homage to the Almighty Dollar, the real god in these tumultuous times.
III. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Of course, if namedropping the Holy Spirit either boosts your poll numbers or wins over the faith heartland, it’s divine intervention. Pro tip: Nothing says absolution like a Bible-thumping photo op! That’s instant sin scrubbing, right there.
IV. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy, but if a political rally or cash-grab gala happens to coincide, no worries. Unleash a self-righteous, feverish tweet storm or two throughout the day and consider your spiritual duty checked off with godly approval.
V. Honor thy father and thy mother, unless you’re working to gut Social Security and Medicare. After all, what better way to show respect than by turning retirement into an extreme survival challenge?
VI. Thou shalt not kill, though if you float the idea of violence against migrants or protestors, or you metaphorically “put out a hit” on your perceived political enemies, remember: you’re just flexing those free speech muscles, extra vigorously.
VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery, except if it’s with one of your future wives or, better yet, a porn star right after you’ve welcomed a new baby. It’s really not infidelity; it’s strategic relationship building.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal, unless it’s from those who can least afford to fight back, like underpaid contractors, optimistic university students, or unsuspecting charity or political donors. Come to think of it, isn’t everybody fair game? And it’s only stealing if someone actually succeeds in holding you accountable, right?
IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, but if you’re skilled at cooking up “alternative facts,” like “abortion after birth” or any other spicy falsehood that gets the crowd going, you get a free pass. Because really, what are a few hundred thousand fibs among friends if it keeps the conversation lively?
X. Thou shalt not covet, other than when someone else’s success, like winning a presidential election, gets under your skin. Why stop at envy when you can flat-out deny their victory and insist it was yours all along?
And that’s it for the New Ten Commandments, conveniently restyled for those who believe Jesus’s teachings are not only outdated and “woke” but also too impractical to follow. Besides, indiscretions are only a sin if you lack a good PR strategy. Ready, set, rationalize!
“Thou shalt not kill, though if you float the idea of violence against migrants or protestors…”
Seriously?
Those stones and glass houses will getcha every time.
12th Commandment; Thou saalt venerat the wealthy….unless Dear Leader doesn’t like them.
We can call this one the “Jeff Bezos Commandment”.
Ha ha. What’s not to like about Jeff Bezos? He got rich selling everything to everybody all at once. It’s not like he speaks at Klan rallies begging for donations.
Trump is jealous.
They’re also breaking Reagan’s 11th Commandment:
“Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican”.
But I think we’re all cool with it.