Posted by AzBlueMeanie:
The GOP tent revival prayer meeting and 3-ring circus gets underway in Tampa, Florida next wek.
The Republican National Convention has already had to reshuffle its previously announced schedule due in part to the threat from hurricane Isaac, political maneuvering around Ron Paul delegates, and the networks who were not going to telecast the opening night of the convention on Monday.
Some of the changes: the roll call of state delegates has been moved up to the first night on Monday, rather than Wednesday, to thwart Ron Paul troublemakers who want to stage a floor demonstration (sorry, no network TV losers). Ann Romney has been moved to Tuesday so that she can get network TV coverage of her herculean task to convince "you people" that Willard "Mittens" Romney is really a "warm and fuzzy" nice guy. Yeah, good luck with that Marie Antoinette.
The reshuffled lineup has not yet been announced. Based upon previous press releases, this is the best I can determine as to the list of speakers at the convention, always subject to change:
The "Headliners"
- United States Senator from New Hampshire, Kelly Ayote – she doesn't know who you are either
- Former Alabama Democratic Congressman Artur Davis – This year's version of Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA) – will he also challenge MSNBC's Chris Matthews to a duel?
- Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal – he's also an exorcist! (Google it)
- Florida Congressman Connie Mack, who is running for the Senate – the senile geezers in Florida think they are still voting for his father
- Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell – aka "governor transvaginal ultrasound"
- United States Senator from Ohio Rob Portman – George W. Bush's Director of the Office of Management and Budget, the man who brought you the Bush Great Recession
The Keynote Speaker is a Thanksgiving Day balloon on loan from Macy's, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie — he comes with his own hot air. I hope they built a lift into the stage so he can just pop up from below; the usual long walk to the podium might just give him a heart attack.
The Convention theme is "A Better Future" — Republicans want to take you back to the good old days of the 50s — the 1850s.
To this end, the disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will host Newt University, a series of public policy workshops for delegates to brush up on culture warrior policy and the Christian Reconstructionist revisionist history behind the GOP platform (to be released on Monday).
No plans have been announced yet for the "Birther King," Donald Trump, but he assures us that his role will be "really huge" — like his ego.
Arizona's Cracker Contingent led by our George Wallace in a dress governor, Jan Brewer, Secretary of State Ken "Birther" Bennett, and Sheriff Bull Connor Crazy Uncle Joe Arpaio will attend to celebrate Kris Kobach's SB 1070 anti-immigration plank in the GOP platform, a salute to our Cracker Contingent. Crazy Uncle Joe has also been assigned the unenviable task of cleaning up behind the elephants at the Tampa Zoo after a fundraiser.