Elon Musk was apparently conducting his own pharmaceutical Olympics — sprinting between doses of ketamine, leaping into psychedelic mushroom patches, and power-lifting Adderall pills, all while moonwalking through Donald Trump’s political circus like a hallucinogenic ringmaster.

As the tech billionaire-turned-Trump-cheerleader tossed $275 million into MAGA’s bottomless money pit, it’s clear his real contribution is as a chemically enhanced chaos agent.

Forget “occasional use.” Musk reportedly traveled with a full-blown pharmacy disguised as a daily pillbox. According to eyewitnesses, this box — which rivaled the stockroom of a CVS — included Adderall (a.k.a. speed), psychedelics (for spiritual revelations about Martian colonization), and enough ketamine to tranquilize a small rhinoceros. His leaky bladder, unfortunately, was not consulted.

Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth, Musk was handed the keys to actual governmental power. Reports suggest he slashed federal programs between ketamine naps, publicly insulted cabinet officials, and treated a campaign interview like a bad improv sketch — complete with Nazi salutes and incoherent word salads.

Tripping the synthetic light fantastic

Asked about his drug use by Don Lemon in 2024, Musk reassured viewers that he only took ketamine “once every two weeks.” That’s a bold claim, considering witnesses say he was regularly tripping the synthetic light fantastic while also downing mushrooms at Mar-A-Lago “mind-expansion” soirées.

“He’s pushed the boundaries of his bad behavior more and more,” lamented ex-friend and neuroscientist Philip Low, shortly after Musk decided that “therapy is for losers” and binge-playing video games while live-posting on X (formerly Twitter, now a digital tire fire) was a better coping strategy.

Musk’s orbit is increasingly deserted. Former friends are ghosting him. Tesla board members must have to take Ambien to sleep through the Musk-induced nightmares. And meanwhile, Elon himself remains locked in his dopamine-fueled feedback loop, trading accountability for amphetamines and substituting executive function with whatever was in that little orange pill he took five minutes ago.

Somewhere, in a dystopian boardroom, someone probably still thinks he’s a genius. But with every gobbled pill, every gobsmacked public appearance, and every garbled attempt to destroy America, Musk is looking less like Iron Man and more like the Joker — if the Joker had a tech empire, a Super PAC, and a bladder condition.