Break out the popcorn and tinfoil hats because the GOP is hosting its first presidential debate in Milwaukee tonight! If you can’t watch it live, no worries. It’ll be available, at least, in bits and pieces around the web, and endlessly milked to death in memes and by pundits for all its quotable sound bites.
Gee, I can’t decide if I’ll be bored, irritated or really primed to actually watch. It promises to be a spectacle more overly dramatic than a semi-scripted reality show. In fact, it could be the best writing on the air since Hollywood writers walked off the job. I mean, if it weren’t for the anticipated MAGA extremism and policy acrobatics, what would Fox Snooze air other than the same old lies, drivel, and faux outrage?
The stage is set for members of the MAGA Madhouse to strut their stuff. Not only is this a top showcase of toxic masculinity—sorry, not sorry, Nikki Haley–but it’s also an audition for future Dictator of the United States. But wait! The top contender has taped an interview with former Fox News host Tucker Carlson in an attempt to scuttle the debate ratings. DT has signaled he’ll skip the batty baitfest. No worries! Republican candidates can still score points for who might be the most out-of-touch.
Expect to hear promises to rip away freedoms faster than a kid tearing through wrapping paper at a birthday party. And who needs health care anyway? It’s overrated. The GOP contenders are here to make sure you’re not burdened with pesky doctor’s appointments or prescriptions…or even timely care for pregnancy complications.
But that’s not all! The MAGA Republican dream team is all about those hard-hitting priorities. Who needs a functioning Social Security and Medicare system when you can roll the dice and hope for the best? And tax giveaways to the wealthy? Well, it’s just the GOP’s way of showing they care about the well-being of billionaires who are struggling to afford their third yachts.
And if you ever thought defending democracy is conveniently set to auto renew every four years, think again! These candidates aren’t shy about showing everyone that democracy is so last century. Who needs fair elections and accountability when you can have a good old-fashioned power struggle?
As the GOP candidates battle it out to prove who’s the biggest ʞɔᴉp on the block, the rest of us can sit back and relax. Let’s marvel at the hysterically funny show of contradictions, flip-flopping, and questionable fashion choices (we’re looking at you, red trucker hats).
So, as you watch the first GOP debate unfold, remember to keep your bullsh!t detectors on high alert. This is truly theatre of the absurd where extremism is the name of the game and reality checks are always optional. And who knows, by the end of it, you might just be inspired to start your own spoilers political party, just like No Labels promises to be.