Let’s play “Your Republic is in Jeopardy!”

Crossposted with permission from David’s Substack “Arizona’s Progressive Voice” to which you ought to subscribe!

“Hello and welcome to this edition of ‘Your Republic is in Jeopardy’, the game show to watch in 2024. I’m your host Wink Washington. Let’s meet the three contestants who’ll be playing with us today.”

“First, the former Governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley. Tell us a little about yourself, Governor.”

“I hope to be the Republican nominee for President in 2024, Wink.”

“Good luck with that! Second, next to you, we have a white plantation owner from 1858, Colonel Beauregard Jackson. Tell us a little about yourself, Colonel.”

“I own a 20-acre cotton plantation in Georgia.”

“And?”

“I own 50-slaves. One escaped last week. If any of you folks watching at home see my runaway there’s a bounty on his head.”

“And on the end, next to you, we have our third contestant, President Joe Biden. Tell us what you do, Joe.”

“I am the President of the United States. And the only thing standing between the MAGA fascists and our democracy. May God protect our troops.”

The applause sign flashed. The audience cheered enthusiastically. Wink turned to the camera, shuffled his handful of cards, found a question he liked, hammered his gong and said, ”Let’s play ‘Your Republic is in Jeopardy’! Our first question goes to Governor Nikki Haley. Nikki.”

“Yes, Wink.”

“What was the cause of the Civil War?”

She thought for a moment and hit her buzzer. “The Civil War was caused by a struggle over freedom and government overreach and the rights of the people and I will always stand by the freedom of the right people to overreach when it comes to our rights.”

Wink hammered his gong. “You are incorrect, Governor! Colonel Beauregard.”

“Sir?”

“What caused the Civil War?”

“You damned Yankees denying us our property rights. Some don’t want to face the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that subservient slavery is his natural and normal condition. And that as our property-” 

Wink hammered his gong. “You are incorrect, Colonel Jackson.”

“President Biden. What caused the Civil War?”

“I was there. It was about slavery.”

Ding, ding, ding. “Point to Biden.”

“I voted for Lincoln, Wink. It was my first vote. He was a good man.” 

“Onto our next ‘Your Republic is in Jeopardy’ question. Is everyone ready? Alright! Here’s the question: Why was that last question so hard for Nikki Haley to answer? Take your time.”

Colonel Beauregard Jackson slapped his buzzer. ”Because she is not a white man and thus ignorant as a bucket of grits. This is why we should restrict voting to white property owners only. And furthermore-”

Haley hit her buzzer. “Because I could not have been elected Governor of a southern state unless I was able to duck the slavery question by falling back on the states rights argument. Hey, look. I made them get rid of the Confederate flag flying over our Capitol.”

Gong. “Not quite what we’re looking for. President Biden?”

“Governor Haley was unwilling to offend MAGA Republicans with the truth.”

Ding, ding, ding. “Point to Biden.”

Colonel Jackson slapped his buzzer. “This here traitor from India, or wherever she’s from, betrayed our lost cause and she should be shot for tearing down our  beloved Confederate flag. President Trump would never stand for such an insult to -”

Wink hit the gong. “It’s time for our bonus ‘Your Republic is in Jeopardy’ question. Who will be Donald Trump’s Vice Presidential running mate?”

Biden hit his buzzer. “ Don’t kid yourself. He’ll be in handcuffs before they can give him the nomination.”

Wink cued the sad trombone. “We’re sorry, President Biden. That, sir, is wishful thinking. Anyone else want to answer our bonus ‘Your Republic is in Jeopardy’ question? Who will be be Trump’s running mate?”

Colonel Jackson slapped his buzzer. “Arizona Governor Kari Lake. That woman is a steel Magnolia.”

Wink cued the sad trombone. “We’re sorry, Colonel Jackson. Look away Dixieland! Kari Lake is in fact not the Governor of Arizona.”

Colonel Jackson slapped his buzzer. “That election was stolen from her.”

Wink hammered his gong. “And that’s why our nation is in jeopardy!”

Haley hit her buzzer. “I will be President Trump’s running mate in 2024 and we will save our nation! And I know the cause of the Civil War that’s coming. It’s the Marxist liars on MSNBC who are itching for it. And those woke New York Times Critical Race theory sickos who want our children to feel bad. They can’t wait to take over along with those satanic Deep State defenders of the Biden crime family who want to destroy America. “

Wink hit the gong. “You are incorrect, Governor Haley. Our initial ‘Your Republic is in Jeopardy’ question ‘What caused the Civil War?’ refers to the Civil War that began in 1861 and ended in 1865.”

Haley hit her buzzer. “Oh, that one! That was caused by-”

Colonel Jackson slapped his buzzer. “The war of aggression against the South caused by negro lovers and abolitionists never ended, sir. To this day we white Christian southerners are persecuted by- ”

Wink hammered his gong. “Can anyone answer the question? Who will be Donald Trump’s running mate?”

Biden hit his buzzer. “Colonel Beauregard here.”

Wink hammered the gong. “I give up. Moving on to our final question. When Trump calls his political enemies vermin and uses terms like blood poison who is he quoting?”

Colonel Jackson slapped his buzzer. “Every Evangelical Christian Pastor I ever heard who loves this great nation and wants to make it great again.”

President Biden slapped his buzzer. “ Adolf Hitler.”

Haley hit her buzzer. “Oh, come on, Trump’s just kidding!”

President Biden slapped his buzzer again. “I’ll bet you didn’t know I did the Foxtrot with Eleanor Roosevelt.”

Wink hammered his gong repeatedly.  ‘That is our time. And once again no one appears to be the winner and as we like to say every week, until we see you next week it appears your Republic is in Jeopardy!”