Penis-Obsessed Congressman Poses with Weapons (a Parody)

Penis Gun-worshipping Republican Rep. Thomas Massie of Kentucky and his family posed for a Christmas photo displaying enormous penises guns in the most bizarre holiday snapshot ever seen.

Merry Christmas! 🎄
ps. Santa, please bring ammo. 🎁 pic.twitter.com/NVawULhCNr

Advertisement

— Thomas Massie (@RepThomasMassie) December 4, 2021

Many people say that the Kentucky Congressman is trying to compensate for his own equipment shortage. He has the biggest weapon and many people say he needs to be more trumped-up in the putz department. Massie said in fiction that people who wanted to get some should write to him at 6969 Pornhub Highway.

The Massie women eagerly fondled the giant-sized dildos guns. “I’m expecting an explosive ending,” Mama Massie could have said. “After all our family name is Massive, I mean, Massie.”

“I can’t wait for my daughters to experience the rapid-fire, penetrating effect of our penises guns,” she said, according to a mythological news source.

Daddy Massie said on Twitter, “Please bring ammo,” and imaginary observers say he’ll get a lot of that, right up the wazoo.

“Peter” Massie, one of the sons, told a fictional news reporter, “I’m tired of playing with my own member. It’s nice to get both hands around my schlong gun and hold it tight.” Figmental people said he was eager to pump out a few rounds on Christmas.

Arizona Governor candidate Kari Lake said at an imaginary press conference that she was ready to go down. “I mean, to Kentucky,” she chuckled, licking her lips in a parody blog post.

Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar supposedly objected to the phalluses guns because they were all black, adding in a fictional universe, “I like pure, white Aryan penises guns instead. Who knows what things will cum with the black units. Sieg Heil!”

Arizona Attorney General Mark Brnovich was unconscious and not available because he knocked himself out with his nunchucks, many people said.

Governor Doug Douche took a break from spreading Covid to his friends and family, maybe to say, “Merry XXXmas, Tommy boy.” He added in fantasyland, “When I bend over and think of the Arizona Legislature, I think of my favorite member, Willie Johnson. He gives me wood at the holidays,” he said, stacking a made-up tumescent log on a make-believe fireplace.

Many people said Arizona GOP Chair Kelli Ward opened her personal workbench and said she would like to compare tools with the Massie family. “I’ve got a three-way prong that I use for holiday gatherings,” she never said. “It’s really hard and goes so deep.”

Having won the label of AZ’s Worst Legislator, Mark Finchem was at a fictitious Oath Keepers Christmas party, drowning puppies for laughs, with ex-cop and not fellow Republican Rep. John Kavanagh. In an apocryphal statement, Finchem said, “January 6 is only 31 days away, and I’ve got an invitation to visit the Massie family,” he possibly could have said, perhaps.

Many people said Finchem looked forward to showing one of the Massie boys how to use a cock on a gun and play with the joystick of their video games. Finchem hoped to revisit the US Capitol, where he was 11 months ago. A fan of classic architecture, he possibly said, “It’s quite an erection.”