President Obama at ‘Nerd Prom’

Posted by AzBlueMeanie:

The White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (aka "Nerd Prom") is an annual event we should dispense with, but until then, I've got to give the people what they want. Here are some of the best lines from President Obama's stand-up comedy routine for the self-obsessed Beltway media villagers. Remarks by The President at The White House Correspondents' Association Dinner:

  • Of course, everybody has got plenty of advice. Maureen Dowd said I could
    solve all my problems if I were just more like Michael Douglas in “The
    American President.” (Laughter.) And I know Michael is here tonight.
    Michael, what’s your secret, man? (Laughter.) Could it be that you were
    an actor in an Aaron Sorkin liberal fantasy? (Laughter.) Might that have
    something to do with it? (Applause.) I don’t know. Check in with me.
    Maybe it’s something else. (Laughter.)
  • And of course, the White House press corps is here. I know CNN has taken
    some knocks lately, but the fact is I admire their commitment to cover
    all sides of a story, just in case one of them happens to be accurate.
    (Laughter and applause.)
  • The History Channel is not here. I guess they were embarrassed about
    the whole Obama-is-a-devil thing. (Laughter.) Of course, that never kept
    Fox News from showing up. (Laughter.) They actually thought the
    comparison was not fair — to Satan. (Laughter and applause.)
  • But the problem is, is that the media landscape is changing so
    rapidly. You can’t keep up with it. I mean, I remember when BuzzFeed was
    just something I did in college around 2:00 a.m. (Laughter.) It’s true.
    (Laughter.)
  • There are other new players in the media landscape as well, like
    super PACs. Did you know that Sheldon Adelson spent $100 million of his
    own money last year on negative ads? You’ve got to really dislike me —
    (laughter) — to spend that kind of money. I mean, that’s Oprah money.
    (Laughter.) You could buy an island and call it “Nobama” for that kind
    of money. (Laughter.) Sheldon would have been better off offering me
    $100 million to drop out of the race. (Laughter and applause.) I
    probably wouldn’t have taken it, but I'd have thought about it.
    (Laughter.) Michelle would have taken it. (Laughter.) You think I’m
    joking? (Laughter.)
  • I know Republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but
    one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out
    to minorities. And look, call me self-centered, but I can think of one
    minority they could start with. (Laughter.) Hello? Think of me as a
    trial run, you know? (Laughter.) See how it goes. (Laughter.)
  • am not giving up. In fact, I'm taking my charm offensive on the road —
    a Texas barbeque with Ted Cruz, a Kentucky bluegrass concert with Rand
    Paul, and a book-burning with Michele Bachmann. (Laughter and applause.)
  • My charm offensive has helped me learn some interesting things about
    what's going on in Congress — it turns out, absolutely nothing.
    (Laughter.)
  • I'm also hard at work on plans for the Obama Library. And some have
    suggested that we put it in my birthplace, but I'd rather keep it in the
    United States. (Laughter.) Did anybody not see that joke coming?
    (Laughter.) Show of hands. Only Gallup? Maybe Dick Morris? (Laughter and
    applause.)

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