Republican Heaven 2020

Link: Republican Heaven, The Year 2020

by Patrick McGann

Welcome back from your little nap. Here’s America. How do you like it?

Having
achieved a "Permanent Majority" under the architecture of Newt Gingrich
and Karl Rove, Republicans have controlled both houses of Congress and
the White House for two decades.

Economy booms!

Driven
by a robust demand for U.S. flag lapel pins (now mandatory by law), and
by highly profitable private prisons, where the pins are made,
Republicans are crowing this year! The nation’s largest prison
provider, Halliburton, announced its 20th consecutive year of record
profits. And after a prolonged period of consolidation, book publishing
is rebounding as Bible production ramps up to comply with the
replacement of all school text books with the King James version. Most
economists, still employed, credited tax cuts.

Final phase of tax reform completed!

The
last phase of tax reform has been completed. Itemized deductions are
now allowed on the national sales tax for qualified individuals who
spend more than $100,000 on selected items, including jewelry, furs,
German and Italian automobiles over $75,000, boats over 25 feet long,
real estate, stocks and stock options, certificates of deposit, limited
partnerships, oil paintings by the masters, and small, medium and large
businesses. Going the way of the income tax, eliminated in 2012 — in
order to spur investment — property taxes have been eliminated on
first, second, third, fourth or more residences valued over $500,000
each. Said Senator Riley Stickem, R- Utah, "Now the tax burden is more
fairly placed on those who cause the costs."

IRA’s become IRA’s!

The
last vestiges of Social Security, known now as Individual
Responsibility Accounts, became history when Congress merged it with
Individual Retirement Accounts. In an editorial, the Wall Street
Journal celebrated the merger, writing: "Now with a little more than
one in five Americans over the age of 65 on the streets begging for
crumbs and rags and with a prospect of living not much beyond age 68,
all younger Americans can easily see what can happen if you don’t
invest wisely, amply or luckily. Look around you, young Americans, and
straighten up; that could be you — not us for sure, but maybe you in
40 years."

New minimum wage!

Once again, the
automatic provisions of leading economic indicators has adjusted the
minimum wage for maximum economic utility. It is now $2.35, a drop of
47 cents! And once again America is poised to see another huge increase
in job creation. While bulldozer sales are down, shovel sales are way
up!

Progress in Iraq!

President Potter announced
that significant progress has been made in the war in Iraq, now in its
17th year. He noted that freedom is on the march and that price of
leaving too soon is too horrible to contemplate. "Iraqis yearn for
freedom," he said. "And they’re still yearning. The terrorists don’t
want them to have it. We will stay the course and we will prevail. We
will prove that democracies are peaceful, no matter the toll in blood
and treasure and disintegration of political opposition here at home."

Free of the UN!

President
Potter announced that significant progress is being made in the wars in
Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Indonesia, the Philippines and Korea, too.
"Since we pulled out the United Nations, and it moved to Portugal, we
never have to say we’re sorry and we don’t have to go crawling to a
bunch of talk-talk-talk diplomats to beg permission to defend ourselves
ever again," said the president. "We can’t afford to be isolated, but
then again, we can’t make the rest of the world like us if they don’t
want to."

Al Qaida No. 2 killed!

Huz Bin Pharten,
the notorious second in command of Al Qaida, was gunned down in Chicago
yesterday when he was spotted making a left turn in his Yellow Cab
without using his turn signal. U.S. Army Special Forces units
patrolling Lake Shore Drive announced that they killed only seven
civilians this time, a new record, attributing it to the fast reflexes
of Chicagoans. Col. Max Hertz of Delta Team Tango said, "When you’ve
been on the front lines in the war on terror as long as we have, you
just know when you have a big fish in your sights."

New federal prisons!

Halliburton
was awarded its largest prison contact yet with plans to build 17 new
prisons, most to manufacture those yellow magnetic "Support the Troops"
stickers, now mandatory and thus ease the trade deficit. Prison
Division CEO Hasty Pickins said, "We want to assure the American people
we can keep up with demand. Now that one in four Americans is in prison
in America and one in ten Mexicans is in prison in America, we intend
to keep those good prison guard jobs here at home!"

Border security increased!

The
House voted overwhelmingly today to add another 20 feet of height to
the Mexican wall, taking it up to 60 feet at a cost of $1.5 trillion.
"The American people can sleep safe in their trailers tonight knowing
the Republican Party has increased border security by nearly 50
percent," said Ann Coulter, Speaker of the House. "We have also added
another 22 years onto the penalty for being caught in the U.S.
illegally, bringing the total up to 188 years per offense." The longer
prison terms will be added onto those currently in prison as well. "We
don’t want to reward those who broke the law just because they broke it
earlier," she said. "Clearly, we needed a stronger deterrence. They
just keep coming. "

Social issues debate rages

For
the 24th consecutive year, and after rancorous, spittle throwing
debate, Congress was unable to pass constitutional amendments to ban
gay marriage, flag burning and replace the ten Bills of Rights with the
Ten Commandments. The rural religious right was dejected but vowed to
fight on and vote GOP! Republicans blamed obstructionist Democrats. The
religious right seemed to buy that.

Congress passes Energy Bill

With
gasoline edging up over the $15 per gallon mark, Senate Republicans
passed a sweeping $44 billion energy bill that will give tax cuts and
incentives to oil companies to drill more oil, run more informational
television commercials and increase their lobbying efforts tenfold.
Said President Potter, "When you’re addicted, like we are to oil, you
damn well better take care of your pusher." One official at the U.S.
Department of Exxon Mobil said, "This is great, but really, we haven’t
paid a dime in taxes since the Cheney energy bill of 2003. Besides, why
the hell would we want to drill more oil anyhow?"

Obesity cured!

Crumbling
infrastructure, an end to gasoline taxes, the demise of public
transportation, the sudden rise of walking and bicycle peddling, and
the rapidly increasing rise in food prices, Surgeon General Barbie Dahl
declared victory in the battle of the bulge! "Americans are skinny! And
cute!" she beamed. "And tan!"

Economy booms again!

U.S.
Agency of Commerce, a division of the U.S. Department of Fatherland
Security, released results of a three year, $6 million study showing
that MORE AMERICANS THAN EVER ARE WORKING AND THE REASON IS TAX CUTS.
The 12-word study was conducted by an independent study arm of the
Republican Party, named Stu.

Crime Bill expected to sail through!

House
members were set to vote on a bold new anti-crime initiative, extending
the death penalty to bankruptcy, late loan payments and getting sick or
injured without health insurance. The U.S. Department of the National
Rifle Association also succeeded in attaching an amendment making it a
crime punishable by boiling in oil for any police officer to confiscate
any gun whatsoever for any reason. The amendment was opposed by the
newly created U.S. Department of Halliburton, noting replacement costs
for prison guards and privatized police departments.

Liberalism hearings continue!

"Are
you now or have you ever been a liberal!" shouted Senator Ima Fascie,
R-Kan. during her ongoing hearings into the Insidious Effect of
Liberals on America. "I refuse to answer that question," said an aging
Bill O’Reilly. "Oh, yeah," said Sen. Fascie. "Then what is the
difference between a loofa and a falafel? Don’t tell me you don’t know.
All liberals know the difference! You’ve been to Boston, haven’t you?
And to Seattle? You’re a dirty damn liberal."

Medicare Part W!

Senior
citizens will begin receiving their new Medicare Part W packets in the
mail this week, outlining a series of new Republican improvements.
Weighing 92 pounds, the first of seven installments, is being delivered
Wednesday, the 5th, with the rest following daily until Wednesday of
next week, the 12th. Seniors have until this Friday the 7th to make
their selections. President Potter said, "We worked really hard on
this. Really hard. Just check the boxes and get it back. The key is to
not think about it too much. I’d guess if I were you." Seniors unable
to complete the forms in time will automatically be enrolled in Option
86, which costs $2,200 monthly and provides an expired half-used bottle
of aspirin, 12 Scooby Doo Band-Aids, two visits to a preferred-list
veterinarian and one to a pentecostal faith healer per quarter.

Endangered species delisted!

Interior
Secretary Gala Hory held a news conference to announce that the
endangered species list has been reduced to just five species: the mule
deer, mallard duck, channel catfish, common crow and monarch butterfly.
"With the final extinction of the Rocky Mountain elk, the bluebird,
Chinook salmon and the ruffed grouse, there is no need to maintain them
on the endangered species list any more." The oldest serving
Congressman, Dick Pombo, R-Calif, twirled his electric wheel chair in a
circle and hooted like an extinct spotted owl, "Just five to go! This
is a victory for private property rights and nearly the culmination of
a lifelong dream!"

Safe Water act becomes law!

Passed
in early April and signed by President Potter, the Safe Water Act
becomes law this month. It will help states and small towns become more
efficient by removing obstacles to the smooth delivery of water, such
as chemical testing, health standards compliance and source
regulations. Sal T. Well, Mayor of Toothless, Idaho welcomed the new
law. "It’s a known fact that bacteria is a necessary component of good
health, Without it, you couldn’t poop," he said. "And without minerals,
such as arsenic, which is naturally occurring, you know, you could
break a bone just standing there. It’s damn time we got government off
government’s back. My citizens will be happy. Their water bill will be
cut in half now that we can pump directly out of the slough."

Nutrition guidelines released!

The
U.S. Agriculture Agency, a division of the U.S. Department of
Fatherland Security, taking over nutrition guidelines from the
consolidated and expunged Department of Health, released new nutrition
guidelines for children and teens under 18. It recommends that diets
include at least three 26 ounce servings of wheat straw per day, since
there is a lot of wheat straw and not much of a market for it anywhere
else.

Freedom from Regulatory Burdens Day!

Sept.
5 (formerly known as Labor Day) will be the fourth annual Freedom from
Regulatory Burdens Day. And once again, homeowners are advised to take
up defensive positions on their rooftops with rifles and water hoses in
case one of the parades of young men dressed as clowns lobbing military
grade incendiary grenades makes it way into your neighborhood. It is
highly suggested — though not required, of course — that you dispose
of the bodies of any clowns you shoot. Remember, it’s not "Whatever
happened to individual responsibility?" any more.

Gay escapes!

A
skinny man with no facial hair, very probably a fag, was chased by a
full congregation of Southern Babtists, Wednesday. The mandatory bible
study group was taking a break outside the church when they saw the man
on a bike with very thin tires and wearing a yellow shirt and stupid
looking helmet. One of the Christians, realizing that only queers wear
yellow on Wednesdays, shouted, "Hey, that’s a homo!" And the group,
about 75 strong, ran after the suspected peddling faggot like they were
possessed by demons. Police called to the scene berated the church
goers for not throwing down their bibles before beginning the chase.
"Slowed them down something awful," said Deputy Buck Butz. "I thought
it was yellow on Thursdays," said his partner, Deputy Skip Tulouz. Darn.

SCOTUS upholds Voting Rights Act of 2018!

By
a unanimous decision the Supreme Court upheld the Republican Voting
Rights Act which limits voting to owners of real property, valued not
less than $250,000, and who are current in their Election Maintenance
Fees of $500 per vote and who can trace their American heritage back
four generations, awarding an extra vote for each generation beyond
that, or who have demonstrated civic responsibility and participation
by donating $10,000 or more to a political party who’s name has 10 or
more letters, the first of which must be R. Speaking for the Majority
Justice Billy Ray "Boom-Boom" Hackett, said, "Looks good to me."

Potter to run for third term!

At
a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Potter announced that
he will seek a third term. When asked how he expected to get around the
constitutional limit of just two four-year terms, President Potter
said, "What are you talking about? This is only my first term. I’ve
only been president for three-and-a-half years. And that’s a fact.
Besides, who’s going to stop me? You? You pasty-faced scrawny liberals?
You pussies." The White Press corps said, "Oh, OK."

Teachers stoned!

Three
elementary teachers were stoned senseless in Delaware for cracking
jokes about Intelligent Design. Apparently, one wisecracked that the
proof behind the theory was human stupidity. A 10 year old Rebecca
Hunch overhead the conversation and promptly relayed as much of it as
she could recall to the principal who called in Reverend Halstons from
the Calvary Cavalry Church who rushed to the scene with baseball size
rocks kept in the back of the church bus along with several strong and
lonely Christian women.

Happy campers!

Progress
continues to be made in the re-education camps in Iowa, Nebraska,
Kansas, Indiana and Oklahoma where 40 million suspected liberals from
New York City, Boston, Chicago, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Seattle,
Portland, San Francisco, Santa Barbara and Los Angeles are being …
straightened out. The 17 week course, written by Bill Bennet and Ralph
Reed, is designed to cure a liberal of his passion, knowledge and
intellect and return him to a productive life, if not as a full fledged
conservative Republican, then at least as an apathetic TV watcher who
will sit down and shut up and stay the hell away from the voting booths
and let the manly men and womenly women get on with the saving of
America in the true spirit of its founder, Ronald Reagan.