Satire: The Epic Saga of the Kia Eight!

On August 27th, the Good Action Trouble Group joined other organizations (including Worker Power, Jobs With Justice and Working Families Power) to protest at Jim Click’s KIA dealership on Wetmore.

Eight members of the Good Action Trouble Group, including me, were arrested. This is our story.

What follows is a fictionalized, satirical dramatization based on real events.

All these groups joined to picket and blockade Jim Click KIA for one simple reason: to overthrow Donald Trump’s evil regime. The connection might not seem self-evident, so let me spell it out. Trump’s holding onto power depends upon Republican enablers, such as those in Congress who helped pass the disastrous so-called Big Beautiful Bill.

Enabler Numero Uno for Tucson is Representative Juan Ciscomani. He’s the local person responsible for our democracy crumbling due to this crapulent legislation. A significant amount of funding for Ciscomani comes from local car magnate and posturing philanthropist, Jim Click.

Perhaps you’ve seen Jim Click’s name around town, on his dealerships or because his name is emblazoned on everything. Plus, when he supports any event, he makes damn sure you know he is responsible for, say, a fun run, because it will be called something discrete like: “The Jim Click Fun Run.” We figure, in the spirit of giving him credit for his deeds, we should continue. For it seems that too many people do not know Jim Click contributes so much to Ciscomani.

The day’s events were to highlight this fact and convince Jim Click to knock it off. With a populace aware of his politics, Jim Click will be held partially responsible for the upcoming aftermath, and any concerns might lead one to shop for cars elsewhere. This could encourage Jim Click to pull back his support, weakening Ciscomani’s financial base in the next election.

We were pro-democracy warriors heeding the call, although it is important to note that our movement is sworn to non-violence. The majority of those present held a rally to draw attention to the connections described above. The KIA Eight, however, intended to blockade the sole entrance to Jim Click KIA with two banners. One said, “Fascism is here: Resist,” and the other said, “Hey, Jim Click! Stop bankrolling Juan Ciscomani”. So, we were ready to kick some ass non-violently!

The protesters energetically threw themselves into their part! Signs were waved, chants were chanted, cowbells clanged (not enough cowbell, I thought to myself). Donuts and water energized all for the non-violent besiegement ahead. We had assembled the protest on the non-Jim Click sidewalk. Then the eight of us doughty warriors strode, banners unfurled and positioned, towards the Jim Click KIA Driveway.

There’s an art to proper banner holding. One must calculate the precise number of individuals it would take to guarantee the banner would be held erect, with just the right tension for maximum readability. The previous day’s intense training had transformed us into a non-violent elite corps. We marched in perfect sync, each non-violent warrior covering their companion with the banner held taut in our muscular arms, protecting our tight phalanx and we arrayed ourselves on the Jim Click driveway. We knew our duty. None would pass while we held the line. “With your banner or on it!” one of the sign carriers on the sidewalk shouted. “Awhoo! Awhoo! Awhoo!” we returned.

Some sat on sacred stools to protect their mighty buttocks from the scorching heat of the Jim Click Blacktop. All positions had been choreographed to the last detail. The cacaphony from our sign-waving supporters fortified us as we prepared for the intense physical and spiritual trial ahead.

Behind us on the Jim Click Parking lot loomed the threatening Jim Click Goon Squad. Several beefy men, looking a little groggy, perhaps tired from second jobs as bouncers, opposed us. We realized the potential for great mischief. But we held the line, blazing eyes locked on the road. Had there not been the roar of the protestors and the honking of supporters driving by, you might have been able to hear a pin drop.

Seconds passed. Then, the first car tried to turn into the Jim Click Entrance. Blocked by our mighty barricade! This driver had wished to make her appointment for Jim Click Service. Not today! She heard our explanations and retreated, now well-informed of how a deal with Jim Click could be a deal with the Devil!

More cars arrived. A young man, wishing to drop off a car for his mother was not-at-all-violently driven back to the road. A delivery truck was sent packing! The supportive honking grew, the wind blew, the temperature rose, and the Jim Click Goon Squad glared. We abided.

Then the Jim Click Lackeys arrived in their Jim Click Errand Car. Blocked! The one riding shotgun began recording from his phone. I recorded him recording me. That showed him! But then, orders arrived. Jim Click, taking his morning Jim Click Crap on the Jim Click Toilet, had been informed. He hastily wiped the Jim Click Ass with the Jim Click Toilet Paper made from hundred-dollar bills and used the Jim Click Smartphone to contact the Jim Click Goon Squad.

“Run ’em over!” a Jim Click Goon yelled out to the Jim Click Lackeys, apparently on the Jim Click Commands. Then our fearless leader stepped forward. A veteran who had also masterminded the Tesla Takedowns, he was non-violently intending to take no shit from Jim Click Lackeys. He stepped resolutely into the path of the slowly approaching car. Smart phones recorded him settling into his determined stance, planted like an oak tree, his awesome physique casting a mighty shadow over the Jim Click Property.

It was as if the world stopped turning. We all held our collective breath. The Jim Click Lackeys inched forward, yet our fearless leader did not budge. To our shock, the Jim Click Lackeys’ car tapped the muscular foreleg of our fearless leader.

And the bumper fell off.

As it clanged to the ground, the Jim Click Lackeys panicked. They peeled away, wide-eyed. With a disdainful kick, our leader punted the bumper across Wetmore to the opposite block.

Another of the KIA 8, our Bard, led us in a thundering Non-Violent Warrior song. This ancient ballad, handed down through the generations, is known to all those who fight for justice: “We Shall Overcome You!”

Perhaps you know some of the words: “You got blood on your face, it’s a big disgrace! Waving your banner all over the place, singing: We shall overcome! We shall overcome! We shall overcome you! We shall overcome! We were the champions, my friends.”

The Jim Click Goon Squad retreated uneasily, not music fans. A lusty cheer arose from our side. And then the police arrived. Several cars. They were surely sympathetic, as they blocked the driveway almost as well as we did and their flashing lights helped draw attention to the marchers. They ordered us to step aside and line up. We did so, keeping our banners locked in position. Then we were very slowly arrested as the Jim Click Driveway remained incapacitated.

One by one, they took down our info and issued citations. The experience was much like getting a speeding ticket, sans car. I, for one, was told I was never to set forth on a Jim Click property again. Whether I can participate in a Jim Click Fun Run remains undetermined.

This led to our arrest for exposing the plutocratic political power of Jim Click.

Except for one thing. After the police departed, a limo drove up to the Jim Click entrance. Out stepped the Jim Click Politician: Juan Ciscomani.

He sneered at us all and approached. “You didn’t think you could get away with this, do you, rebel scum? Jim Click is MINE! Kneel before me!”

My moment had come. I snarled and tossed my luxurious locks like an angry stallion. A single drop of sweat fell off my brow and trickled down my perfectly sculpted six-pack abs. “THIS IS TUCSON!!!!!” I bellowed, kicking him firmly in the chest.

He staggered backward and tumbled into the bottomless pit we had dug earlier.

Ok. That’s only partly true. We are all violently opposed to violence. It’s not because of me that Juan Ciscomani is in that hole. He has been cowering there all summer, ever since he returned early from his job because of his passionate defense of pedophiles. He meekly quivers down in his pit to hide from his constituency. For he knows his signing of the BBB will harm almost every person he has sworn to represent.

Except for Jim Click. Jim Click will be ok under the BBB. That’s for sure. He’ll get what he paid for.

So what is in store for the KIA 8? We have an arraignment on 9/9 at the courthouse at 103 E. Alameda Street and we will be holding a press conference at 8 am that morning in front. You can find out more, show support, or bask in our glory and hear of the heroic deeds that should inspire millions.

Although we earlier had some much-appreciated legal advice, we no longer have pro bono representation. Pro bono is, of course, Latin for “on behalf of Bono”. Bono, although he issued a strong statement condemning Trump, Ciscomani and Jim Click, was unable to lend us his lawyer. So we’re on our own.

We’re facing at worst thirty days in jail and a fine. Perhaps we may instead get a small fine
and/or some community service. Part of that service could be, ironically, a course on Good
Citizenship. At least as I understand it, “Good Citizenship” should include standing up for democratic norms and preserving the state from fascism.

I suppose we’ll see what the Tucson court system believes about justice. Whose justice do they follow? Well, the recidivism rate for those convicted of harboring strong ethical stances is rather high. I imagine the KIA 8 will return to fight non-violently another day.

Here’s what you can do, dear reader: Next time you’re upset about anything that’s happening in America, consider how Jim Click’s money might have helped bring it about. Don’t buy his cars if you are against Trump or are negatively affected by the BBB. Explain to everyone you know why they shouldn’t, either.

I imagine many non-Trump supporters already own his cars, unaware of his political leanings. Alas! Your money has helped create this problem! It’s not your fault, though. This is why we took our stand, to inform the people.

Now that you know, tell Jim Click what you think about his actions. Give him a call or stop by one of his many properties. Say that Jim Click should not use his vast wealth to purchase politicans that gut Arizona.

Maybe Jim Click should stay out of politics altogether. If Jim Click continues supporting anyone who seeks the destruction of American democracy, it is important to make the next Jim Click venture the Jim Click Going Out of Business Sale.

Make sure the noble sacrifice of the KIA 8 will not have been in vain! Boycott Jim Click until he’s stopped supporting Juan Ciscomani!