Modeled on the Great Throne Room in Russia, a golden coronation room is being built on the East Wing of the White House. Plumbers will install a golden toilet for a throne so Trump can defecate while hosting a roomful of foreign dignitaries.
Putin smiled at the Russofication of the 233-year-old White House in Washington, D.C. “It’s appropriate for America to have a hall like the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg,” the Russian dictator chuckled. “The Tsars were hardy partiers in the 1800s, and Trump is continuing the tradition.”
Trump’s coronation is set for July 4, 2026, on the nation’s 250th birthday. 999 people will attend and the evening’s entertainment will be a mock ICE raid, where masked agents will beat brown-skinned people who have a Mexican accent. The Marine Band, to be rebranded as the “Trumpet Corps of Tremendousness,” will play “Hail to the Chief” remixed with “Money, Money, Money.”
A special pet seat will be installed for Speaker Mike Johnson, and prayer mats will be set out for the Trump cabinet. The ceremony will be so lavish that it will make Buckingham Palace look like a Motel 6. Workers in red MAGA overalls will spend weeks rolling out a 24-karat carpet long enough to be seen from space.
A 4th of July we’ll never forget
Trump will emerge from the newly constructed East Wing Gift Shop, escorted by his personal heralds — Sean Hannity on bagpipes and Rudy Giuliani juggling bottles of hair dye. Trump’s robe will be woven from recycled campaign banners, lined with the finest fast-food napkins from Mar-a-Lago.
“On July 4,” he proclaimed, “we will make America king again! Nobody’s ever done a coronation better. The British tried, but frankly, very low energy.”
The Crown of Tremendous Gold will be carried forth by Mike Lindell, the MyPillow guy, who will spend the previous night stuffing it with “100% patriotic memory foam. “It’s called style, folks. It’s a new look. The Fake News will say I can’t see, but I see everything. Even the ratings. They’re incredible.”
Melania will be somewhere nearby, wearing a tiara made from a refurbished satellite dish aimed at Slovenia. Barron will live-tweet the event using #CrownAndPound.
The ceremony will conclude with Trump knighting his most loyal followers with a golf club:
- Sir Elon of Mars for his “very nice rockets.”
- Lady Laura Loomer of Conspiracy for “being very loud — and I like that.”
- And finally, Sir DeSantis the Almost, who will get a plastic Burger King crown and a pat on the head.
As fireworks shaped like dollar signs erupt overhead, Trump will raise his scepter (a repurposed selfie stick) and shout, “Now we don’t need no stinking 2026 elections!”
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I expect that images of the product of his golden throne seatings will be sold as NFTs.
He wouldn’t stop at images, he’d go for Non Fungible Turds themselves. “Get yours now while daily supplies last!”