I have been a bit remiss of late in keeping up with the GOP clown car primary for president. There’s just so many of them, they are multiplying like cockroaches.
Since I last updated this post, Rick “man on dog” Santorum announced that he is running again, Rick Santorum announces second White House run, which may revive Santorum’s ‘Google Problem’. He is actually running to be Pope. Rick Santorum: Turn to me, not the Pope, on climate change.
John McCain’s puppet boy, Little Lindsey Graham, announced that he is running as the Neocon “perpetual war” candidate. Graham: ‘Don’t vote for me’ if you’re ‘worn out by war’. OK, I won’t.
Preacher con man and huckster Mike “Huckajesus” Huckabee is running again because he has a cure for diabetes that he wants to sell you, Mike Huckabee and the diabetes cure he endorsed that ‘no health agency supports’ — but wait, there’s more! — Huckajeus will throw in a set of his Dominionist revisionist American history videos for only the shipping and handling charges! Gotta move product.
America called for a hero and former Governor of New York George Pataki answered the call — only it was a wrong number. Wait. Why is George Pataki running for president?
Former “Governor Goodhair” Rick Perry of Texas put on his pair of hipster glasses in the hope that it would fool enough low information voters who may not remember what a miserable candidate he was in 2012, and that he is the first candidate in history who is under indictment while running for president. Gov. Rick Perry and his Superman disguise. Glasses on, glasses off. Glasses on, glasses off. “Hello! Duh! Clark Kent is Superman!” Worst disguise evah.
We’re not done loading up the clown car. The scion of the “Bush Dynasty” who believes that it is his privileged birthright to lord over us all, John Ellis Bush (J.E.B.), will announce June 15. Jeb Bush to announce candidacy June 15. You can bet that his brother C-Plus Augustus, George W. Bush, will be nowhere to be found. “Brother? What brother? I don’t know who the hell you are talking about.” Ah, but his team of Neocon advisers who gave us the unnecessary and illegal war in Iraq are all on board for the “Back to Iraq! And on to Tehran!” tour.
The comedy gods may smile upon us and give us comedy gold. “The Donald,” Donald Trump, promises a “major announcement” on June 16th. “It’ll be HUGE I tell ya!” Jon Stewart of The Daily Show has said that he will reconsider his retirement plans if The Donald actually runs. Jon Stewart reconsiders retirement: A nomination from “F*ckface von Clownstick” Donald Trump could be a gamechanger.
Piyush “Bobby” Jindal, the Dominionist governor of Louisiana, will announce later this month after he is done laying waste to Louisiana in his state budget. Bobby Jindal to announce presidential plans June 24. Apparently Dominionists Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum, Mike “Huckajeus,” and Governor Goodhair Rick Perry are just not enough Christian Right fundamentalists in the race already. “Bobby” never fails to mention that he has an Ivy League (Brown) education and that he is a Rhodes Scholar, which really ought to make one question the value of an Ivy League education and being a Rhodes Scholar. This guy gives stupid a headache.
Scott Walker, “the twice-elected goggle-eyed homunculus hired by Koch Industries to manage their Midwest subsidiary formerly known as the state of Wisconsin” (h/t Charles Pierce), says he will announce after he is done laying waste to Wisconsin in his state budget. Scott Walker’s 2016 decision to come ‘shortly’ after end of June. It turns out that the Koch brothers pool boy is also making a play to join the Dominionist Christian Right fundamentalists as well. Scott Walker Backs Constitutional Amendment Allowing States To Ban Same-Sex Marriage. The Wisconsin Supreme Court is supposed to rule on the “John Doe” investigations into Walker’s illegal campaign coordination with Wisconsin Club for Growth before the end of June. We’ll find out if Wisconsin Club for Growth bought enough judges in the last election to make their problem go away. That’s “Wisconsin Justice” under Scott Walker.
Former FAUX News host and congressman, Ohio Governor John Kasich, also plans to announce after the end of June. Ohio Gov. Kasich looks to announce 2016 presidential bid this summer. But Is Kasich Conservative Enough for 2016 Republican Voters?
Embattled by corruption charges, Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey still harbors fantasies of being electable. He has not picked an official announcement date for his campaign, probably because he is cautiously waiting for the other shoe to drop in the ongoing series of investigations into his corrupt administration.
Last, but not least, is Islamophobic New York congressman Peter King, who was actually the first Republican to officially declare his intention to run for president in 2013, Peter King: ‘I’m running for president’, but he has yet to make an official announcement of his campaign.
This leaves us with a GOP Presidential Primary debate stage that could look something like this (h/t DonkeyHotey).
And these are just the GOP candidates that you have heard of. There is a second bus load of Republican clowns whom you have never heard of who are also running for president as well. Check out www.2016.republican-candidates.org. Mercifully, none of these “who the hell is this guy?” candidates will ever qualify to participate in the GOP Presidential Primary debates.