I Got a Letter from Trump Promising Me a Bribe

President Trump sent me a letter — which was a surprise — and it even included the promise of a bribe.

Dated two weeks ago, the letter said I’d get a “One-Time Payment of $90.” No questions asked. No particular reason given. But it arrived just 12 days before the election. Wink, wink.

The letter had capitalization mistakes you’d expect from a kindergarten kid, and it was on the thinnest paper I’ve ever held. At the bottom was Trump’s squiggly-line oscilloscope-style signature.

“$90!” I thought. “I could fill my car up with a tank of gas!” Or I could donate the money to a Democratic candidate instead.

But there was a catch.

No check was inside the envelope. I checked twice to see if it had fallen out. But nope — it was just another empty promise from our aging, obese chief executive.

The invisible $90 was “to offset some of the cost of your October Medicare premium,” Trump wrote. “I have fought to lower Healthcare Costs,” he said. However, my premiums are going up by 3%, which pretty much eliminates the cost-of-living adjustment.

He continued, “I am proud to be the First President in History to bring down Americans’ prescription drug prices. Through Trump RX, we are delivering massive discounts on Household Prescription Drugs (sic),” he wrote.

“My Most-Favored-Nation Pricing Agreements have already saved Americans more than 1 Billion Dollars (sic) on much-needed medications…all while rooting out the Waste, Fraud and Abuse (sic) across our Healthcare System (sic).”

But reality is much worse. My doctors have to fight relentlessly to overcome “prior authorization” denials from the health insurance company, delaying and eliminating my access to “Household Prescription Drugs.” Two of my doctors now charge cash-only and won’t submit the bill to Medicare.

Trump wrote, “I will never stop fighting to put the American People FIRST, restore Affordability, protect your hard-earned money, and lower the Cost of Healthcare.” Whew! So many Capitalizations!

He didn’t mention the 25 million Americans who have been disenrolled from Medicaid health coverage, thanks to Trump, or the 36.1 million people nationwide who lost access to Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) benefits since July 2025.

So, I’m not holding my breath for the $5,000 checks if the GOP wins the midterms (and they won’t). Thanks for nothing, you balding, senile 80-year-old crustacean.