Boozer Kash Patel heads the Federal Bureau of Intoxication

Drunken, wandery-eyed FBI Chief Kash Patel is busy these days getting blackout drunk, flying his extra-young girlfriend around in his government jet, handing out his FBI brand bourbon and selling merch on his Fight With K$H website.

The FBI’s “J. Edgar Boozer” is so blotto that he misstated that Chinese mass-produced driver’s licenses were used in a mail-in ballot scheme, spouted about an imaginary “Jihadi terror plot in Detroit” aimed at Halloween, and blabbed prematurely in a post on X  that “the subject” in Kirk’s killing was “in custody.”

Googly-eye Patel has untreated strabismus, causing one eye to wander and bulge during press briefings and TV appearances. It makes him look crazy.

The Atlantic reported that boozehound Patel:

• Didn’t know how to log in on his FBI computer and “freaked out” that he had been fired.
• Gets visibly drunk to the point of obvious intoxication at his favorite bars, the Poodle Room in Las Vegas and the private club Ned’s in Washington, D.C.
• Rescheduled meetings and briefings for later because he was so hung over.
• His security detail couldn’t wake him up because he was blackout drunk.
• Locked himself in his house so that agents had to break down the doors to get him out.
• Was filmed chugging a beer and shouting with the US men’s Olympic hockey team in Italy. See the video at https://www.cnn.com/2026/02/23/politics/video/kash-patel-goes-viral-for-hockey-celebration-vrtc

Patel, of course, sued the Atlantic. Patel’s spotty attendance in the office and love of partying are made worse by his flying love nest in the FBI’s $60 million Gulfstream G550 jet.

Alcoholic Patel took the jet, which costs $5,000 per hour to fly, to see his girlfriend, country singer Alexis Wilkins, at a wrestling match in Pennsylvania. Wilkins, age 27, has been dating Patel, age 46, for three years.

Patel used the jet to fly three separate round-trip flights to Nashville, where Wilkins resides, according to The New York Times. Patel also had FBI tactical agents and an embassy vehicle pick up Wilkins from the airport for a dinner at Windsor Castle in London during a national security trip.

Patel has ordered a three-man Special Weapons and Tactics team to squire her around for singing appearances, personal engagements and errands around the clock.

Patel took his lover girl to the Chaparral Country Club in Palm Desert, CA. Afterward, the SWAT agents drove Wilkins 135 miles to Los Angeles International Airport.

Getting rich on government time

Kash Patel’s net worth is estimated at over $5.9 million. He made more than $2.6 million in 2024 from consulting, speeches, and books. A large part of Patel’s net also comes from his business and investments.

Trump Media and Technology Corp paid him $120,000 a year. He earned $306,000 from speeches and media appearances, including $99,000 from The Epoch Times and $20,000 for Our Watch With Tim Thompson. He earned between $100,000 and $1 million from his book Government Gangsters.

Pathetically, Patel got between $45,000 and $150,000 from a children’s book he wrote about himself, a mythical King Donald and antagonist “Hillary Queenton.”

Patel also owns Elite Depot, a fast-fashion company, valued between $1 million and $5 million. His assets include up to $100,000 in bitcoin, $250,000 in Nvidia stock, and $100,000 in Palantir stock. He also earned $8,000 from VK Integra

Kash says he’ll take an alcoholism test

House Judiciary Democrats demanded that barfly Patel take the Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test, a 10-question screening test developed by the World Health Organization to identify “hazardous and harmful patterns of alcohol consumption.”

Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) also demanded that Patel take the test, saying, “Director Patel, these reports about your conduct, including reports of your being so drunk and hungover that your staff had to force entry into your home, are extremely alarming. If true, they demonstrate a gross dereliction of your duty and a betrayal of public trust.”

National security expert Frank Figliuzzi said on Morning Joe, “he’s been visible at nightclubs far more than he has been on the seventh floor of the Hoover Building.”

For Kash “Sir Drinksalot” Patel, Alcoholics Anonymous is standing by. All the FBI director needs to do is call 800-433-7300.