I was going to go with a spinoff of the parlor game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, but in this case, you only need one move.
The comical tough guy actor Steven Seagal, who pals around with Crazy Uncle Joe Arpaio and his “Cold Case Posse” made up of World Net Daily conspiracy theorists still searching for Barack Obama’s birth certificate, also pals around with former KGB Russian bad boy Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Putin wants all Russians to be tough like Steven Seagal:
Think Russians are tough? They could be tougher. They could be Steven Seagal tough.
That’s at least the logic behind Vladimir Putin’s move this week to reinstate a Soviet-style fitness workout called “Ready for Labor and Defense.” Inspired by both Russia’s haul of 33 medals at the Sochi Olympics — the most of any country — and, apparently, Steven Seagal, Putin has funded the workout program with the games’ leftover cash.
Launched in 1931, the workout regime was hailed by dictator Joseph Stalin as a way to get all Russians into tip-top shape to both work and fight for the Fatherland. Known as GTO, the regime required school and university students to pass programs that had names like “Strength and Courage,” “Cheerfulness and Health,” and “Physical Perfection.”
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Few have had more experience throwing fake grenades than Steven Seagal, who, for reasons unclear, has a huge bromance going with Vladimir Putin. “I want to be polite and say I don’t know him very well,” said Seagal, wearing dark glasses and a pensive expression, in an interview last year. ”I would like to think I know him well. But I know him well enough to know that he is one of the greatest world leaders, if not the greatest world leader alive.”
Damn! That’s gotta hurt Crazy Uncle Joe’s giant-sized inflated ego.
Such sentiment so touched Putin that he invited Seagal last year to Russia in his incipient push to make Russians tougher. In mid-March, with Seagal in tow, Putin said GTO had become essential for Russians “to stand up for themselves, their family and, in the final run, the Fatherland.” He said Russians were in “significantly worse” shape than they were a few decades ago.
Could Seagal help?
To promote the initiative, the action star, who retains celebrity among Russia’s oligarch class, toured a newly built sports complex with Putin. Seagal fitted on a pair of Bono-esque yellow glasses, and, side by side, he and Putin watched martial arts.
Their pairing hit a crescendo when Seagal and Putin waded together into a throng of flag-waving children. Seagal, unsure, got closer to Putin, and the Russian leader proceeded to pantomime quite possible the most awkward hand gestures ever.
Seagal’s face went like this: